As the State Turns… Grandma’s Seat Covers, Government Dole, Snowy Math

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stateturnssymbolOregon Goes Vinyl
We all know and love our state for the way it fosters the growth of cultural elements that go really well with beards, flannel, and flip-flops. In fact, just the other day I read about some research that suggested the hoppiness of IPA beers helps grow moobs (man-boobs, for the uninitiated). Both of these things are awesome with either beards, sandals, or both. I believe I have proven my point, but anyway… yes, Oregon is now going vinyl, as they say.

“But Johnny, won’t your moobs look terrible in a PVC gimp suit?”

First of all, the answer is no, they’ll look great (once I grow a sweet pair, anyway). Secondly… no, we’re not talking about bondage gear. We’re talkin’ the home to many a fat jam: vinyl records. And we can thank the three dudes (Mark Rainey, Steve Lanning, and Adam Gonsalves) who just created Cascade Record Pressing in Milwaukie—currently the only vinyl record-pressing plant in the state. Armed with a number of hydraulic presses they got by swindling some stupid, stinking, pathetic Canadians, along with an old pizza oven they use to cure labels before printing, these fellas are wielding their collective experience—which ranges from running record labels to studio engineering—to convert what appear to be chemical rat turds into flat wafers of funky, fresh tunes.

Having worked in the record industry myself, I can attest to the fact that running a vinyl pressing business both provides an important service to record labels, and is also completely insane. On one hand there is a growing demand for vinyl, but on the other its a totally tricky medium. Late deliveries of material, even the most minor flaws in the machinery, temperature, etc. can all lead to poor sales or completely unlistenable runs of warped records. Not only that, but the machinery itself hasn’t been made in decades, making it rare and quite expensive. Seriously… imagine coating one foot in Crisco, standing on ice, balancing a pickle on your nose with a jet engine blowing in your face. It’s an 80-hour-a-week job just to keep things calibrated.

The first Cascade run was a reissue of a record by legendary Portland punk band Dead Moon for Mississippi Records, which went off without a hitch. Here’s to hoping this continues, as we’re bound to see a lot more Oregonian labels releasing affordable vinyl runs of the bands we locals love.

City Jobs: They Pay
Government jobs, city jobs… people always say they’re great. You can sit on your a*s and do nothing while collecting above-average pay and great benefits. I was always suspicious, but not anymore. Not after reading about one Reaz Khan, a former Portland wastewater treatment operator.

You see, Khan isn’t perfect. He was just sentenced to seven years in the slammer after it was discovered that he gave $2,450 (and more later to the wives of post-boom suicide bombers’ wives) to some whackjob terrorists that did some bombing in Pakistan back in 2009, killing 30 people and injuring 300 more. Like I said, the man has flaws.

However… $2,450? Wowaweewaa! That’s almost 2,059 bean burritos from Taco Bell. At $11.03, you can buy one dozen 9.5 gram bags of Pop Rocks on Amazon… that’s… I’m not going to do the math, but good lord. City job indeed! To have that sort of spare income, boy howdy.

Maybe he spent it poorly, but I think we can all learn a lesson from Khan. I bet his prison commissary fund is PHAT with a PH.

We Still Don’t Care About Washington
Something something something, blah blah, government shutdown. Nobody cares. Quit bothering us, Washington. You just want to sound like you’re cool.

Ever Wanted to Own a Ski Resort?
Well, now you can… if you have $1.25 million lying around. Fresh on the market, the Spout Springs Ski Area is being dumped by owner John Murray so he can retire (from his tough life as a million dollar ski resort owner). There are two lifts that dance above the roughly 250 acres of ski… land. Skland?


Located in northeast Oregon, I was unable to get a more specific location because their website has been replaced with the following message:

“Due to the unseasonably warm weather and rain that we have received Spout Springs will be closed until further notice. Check back for updates.”

The chance that the sale has to do with their income being wiped out from the drought has been calculated by our staff mathematicians to be roughly 64.27%, give or take a percentage point.

By Johnny Beaver

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