As the State Turns

Sheriff Skrah and the Power of Love
Klamath County Sheriff Frank Skrah is in hot water again. Well, maybe he was never out of hot water. A report released last week from a misconduct investigation reaching as far back as 2013 has Skrah making some rather… inappropriate statements to women.

The report was redacted within an inch of its life, but a few gems snuck out, such as “It’s OK if you beat me if you bring ropes and two cans of whipped cream.” Granted, this was in response to former Deputy District Attorney Jody Vaughan saying she’d beat him if he didn’t produce a missing police report. But uh, still. Gross? I mean, I just barfed all over my shirt.

Another time Skrah was reported as telling another Deputy District Attorney, Sharon Forster, that she would “owe” him for securing a witness and that “payment would come in the dark without recorders or cameras.” Haha, what the hell does that even mean? Isn’t it part of the pervert code to want to use cameras? Man, Skrah sucks at this. It’s like when the pastor of a local church tries to get youngsters to come in by ordering pizzas and botching early 90s hip-hop slang on the marquee outside.

Additionally there are a number of other sexual misconduct instances throughout the report. Skrah was accused by Forster of whacking her caboose with a notebook, and that he had used terms such as “darling,” “gorgerous,” and “babe.” Lol, babe. Yet another Deputy District Attorney, Cole Chase, said he heard Skrah call Forster “sweetheart” and remark at least once that she “looked good.”

This guy. He seems to have all the sexual prowess of the Disney Channel during an Even Stevens marathon. I mean, I know Shia LaBeouf is a hunk of wiry bearded man beef now, but… eh, let’s not get into that.

So Skrah, the man, the myth, the legend… the guy who also reportedly called Forster a “broad” or a “bitch” during a meeting after instructing everyone in the room to abstain from speaking to her directly. Now, according to some folks, Skrah makes offensive comments but doesn’t mean anything by them. I guess he was reportedly very upset during a meeting where his misconduct was discussed.

Aaaaand… he also responded to the allegations by calling Forster a drama queen, so there you have it. I realize that I’m kind of stringing a guy up here without a trial, but I like to enjoy this luxury now and again. Some guys like to “white knight” for only young, hot women. Me? I like to defend district attorneys that have no business getting whipped cream all over them.

Klamath Children React to Skrah
That’s one way of looking at the noro-ish viral outbreak in Klamath County schools, which has over 100 students and staff out sick and people just pooping all over the place. Seriously folks, this is no hyperbole… the norovirus is like installing a time travel conduit in your colon and expelling a decade of waste in a matter of days.

To protect yourselves, stay the hell away from Klamath County. If you live there, may God have mercy on your anus.

Speaking of…

Crapping yourself: apparently nothing too horrible was found at the 43 northwestern Chipotle stores that had recently closed over an E. coli scare. I mean, aside from the food. Which is bad.

I hate you, Chipotle. Even though all known authorities on the matter have said that your business handled the crisis extremely well.

Keep Oregon Poachy?
Or not. Tell me, did you have any idea that antlers sell for up to $15 a pound? That’s like, way more than sweet, creamy cheddar. Unfortunately this brilliant discovery is being exploited by complete morons that go out, kill animals illegally, strip them of their goodies and walk away… often just taking the head.

I’m the kind of guy that sees little difference between poaching, sport hunting, and any other kind of killing, so a trip to the grocery store for me is jam-packed with a butt-load of cultural irony, but being the professional that I am… I shall differentiate.

See, what these poachers are doing screws it up for everyone by introducing excessively high mortality rates in certain animal populations. This messes with the hunting and forestry industries, the environment, you name it. What’s worse is that hundreds of these idiots get investigated every year, but rarely see jail time. On Oct. 11 one such, shall we say less stealthy poacher, was caught by Jefferson County sheriff’s deputies. The guy was trespassing on private land and busted trying to shoot elk from the road. He’ll go in front of a judge, but will likely only face a few thousand dollars in fines.

Despite having 119 Fish & Wildlife troopers operating from a $45 million biennial budget, poachers continue to bleed Oregon for profit.

 So like, don’t poach. Not even your eggs.

By Johnny Beaver