As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbolThe Great Ballchinian of Ophir Beach
No matter where you’ve been, where you’re going… who you are… there is only one appropriate response when 80 feet of blue whale washes up on the coast: whee! Also maybe some vomiting.

Ballchinian, as I have named him, bit sand last week on Ophir Beach in the southern part of the state—authorities are keeping a lid on the actual location because they don’t want you a*sholes using Ballchinian’s scientifically flayed body as a bounce house. For a bunch of party-poopers though, they seem to be having an awesome time carving Ballchinian up. The photo I saw makes his blubber look like a totally sweet outdoor rug. An outdoor rug with jaundice and a predatory seabird hanging out on top of it, but still.

Normally a whale like this just gets buried where it lands, so to speak; the rarity of the blue whale species has awarded Ballchinian all of this special treatment. In fact, in just a couple of years you’ll be able to view his/her bones in the Newport Marine Center. Hot dog! As in, I just saw another photo of Ballchinian’s corpse and it looks like hot dog meat.

Now, although Ballchinian washed up covered in shark and orca bites, folks that know about this sort of thing say they likely occurred post-mortem. The actual cause of death? As far as anybody can tell, it was a botched operation by the starship Enterprise, NCC-1701. Because I’m pretty sure they went back in time to screw around with whales. There’s some chatter about a great big warm blob out in the ocean pissing off krill-eating sea mammoths… but I’m just going to stick to blaming it on Shatner.

Washington Embroiled in Pants-Pooping Scandal
Have you heard about the big Chipotle E. coli scandal in Washington? Likely not, because who cares, but after a bunch of Chipotle restaurants were linked to a possible bacteria outbreak by public health officials, the FDA office up in Seattle kicked it into overdrive… and so far have found nothing. Just as I expected.

Forty-one people have been reported ill, with 14 becoming hospitalized. What I see is 14 drug addicts just after some pills, man, and another mess of folks that like to sh*t their drawers and didn’t want to admit it, so they figured they could blame it on Chipotle and set themselves up for a lawsuit.

Bam! Investigative reporting win, all thanks to that single critical thinking course they offer throughout the entirety of public school.

On the plus side, all of those Chipotles are remaining closed. That place is nasty.

Lebanon Plane Crash: Plane Crashes in Lebanon
In the most exciting turn of events since the last time a plane crashed in Lebanon… a plane crashed in Lebanon. Not state news? Try telling that to a community that lives in the shadow of a Walmart Super Center.

The 19-foot aircraft was survived by two men, both of which had to be pried from the plane but were admitted to a local hospital without life-threatening injuries. The Federal Aviation Administration and the Linn County Sheriff’s Office are investigating, though rumors of a bird strike have been circulating and those immediately on the scene swear to have spotted turkey feathers in and around the propeller.

 Did I mention that they landed on top of a building? That’s kind of cool. Mad props, homies.

By Johnny Beaver

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