As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbolOregon Public Broadcasting Finds New Way to Discuss Earthquakes

I thought all of you might like to know that OPB has now graduated from “Megaquake Preparedness Tips” and “Oh Sh*t, Earthquake!” articles, now moving on to polling Oregonians to see if they think they’re prepared. Aaaaand…

::drum roll::

…they don’t. We don’t. 37% of us, anyway.

And really that’s about all there is to that.

Move along now.

Rural Oregon Cranky ‘Bout Their Freedom

Aww, rural Oregon. Voters in Coos County are going to vote next month on a ballot measure that will effectively stop the enforcement of a number of gun laws. Specifically targeting state decisions from early in the year, they seek to undermine the requirement for background checks during private gun sales.

The first a*shole to speak up is the man behind the ballot measure, one self-described “freedom nut” Rob Taylor. And what did he have to say? You guessed it, a bunch of stuff about the Second Amendment. He also mentioned tyranny and liberty and stuff like that. I have to say… reading his mighty quotes… I found myself suffering a bit from the vapors. Dare I say, I might have squeezed off a bit of a blush! My word, what a man!

He’s not your garden variety mountain folk, though. He has also fought to make sure his locale was able to access and take advantage of the new recreational marijuana legality for the purpose of reinforcing the community. Well, good for him in that respect… though for all I can tell, part of his way of protesting was to try to pass a measure that forces everyone against allowing recreational marijuana sales to shoot themselves in the face.

Anyway, their aim is to cut off the use of county funds for the enforcement of these gun laws, including any new restrictions that may be put into place in the future. Yes, that is as stupid a plan as it sounds. Let’s all skip the court system and just vote in band-aid measures to try and gum up the works! Sounds like the plan of a bunch of damned geniuses!

I should also mention that Coos County is right around the corner from Roseburg, where a bunch of armed lunatics showed up to protest President Obama’s visit after the recent shooting.

In addition to the legal experts and random passerby that are calling this “dumb,” many are questioning whether or not it’s even enforceable if it passes. And it’s likely not.

I guess let’s just sit back and enjoy the show.

Where All Them Seniors At?

They’re at home, asleep. That’s where I was when I missed about a third of my senior year, anyway.

According to some numbers released by the Oregon Department of Education last week, about a third of high school seniors in the state are “chronically absent,” missing about 1 in every 10 days. A number of schools were named, but this reporter feels it was unfair to include Sweet Home High School—if those kids aren’t tending to the goats, who the hell is gonna do it?

Not me, I can tell you that much. I seriously hate goats.

Anyway, numbers numbers numbers, no solutions, let alone any real in-depth analysis of the different causes. Public schools in this country all but completely fail at engaging kids in personal topics of interest to explore, instead opting for memorization routines. Maybe that has something to do with it.

Or the fact that classes start obscenely early. Or Playstation 4.

Gresham Gets Its Own Baseball Team

Yup! They’re going to be called the Gresham Sucks and Is Full of Meth Heads and Hookers (and Not Even the Good Kind). Also, if you visit Gresham, lock your doors and don’t drink the water.

New Pot Rules Come Down the Chute

…and they’re 77 pages long. Also, they won’t become permanent until next June. Also, you’re going to be unable to read them unless you’re standing on one foot and being chased by the pink wig machete man from this week’s installment of the Linn-Benton Backwash… as he tries to squirt honey on your heels from one of those plastic bears and then lick it off.

Because I love you, my Corvallisites, I tried to read the rules so I could pull out some important stuff for you. Unfortunately I made it about a half a page in before I got to “845-025-1015 Definitions” and was just like $%#@! this noise, nobody said anything about numbers.

I did spot something that promises better weed than we’re getting from the cartels… basically if it has foreign stuff in it, has rotted or become putrid, etc. it can’t be sold. Considering that description details most black market pot, yes, one up.

By Johnny Beaver
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