As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolThe Smack Down? Not So Much

The Oregon Department of Justice (ODOJ) is not to be trifled with. Or at least Oregon State Police Detective David Steele can tell you that (sort of). Steele, convicted of forging a document in a federal murder case way, way back in 2014, now spends his days counting the mites in his prison bedding. Oh, nevermind—he only got 18 months of probation.

Anywho, our state DOJ has finished an inquiry related to the case and has found that our State Police bow under huge caseloads with little oversight regarding the flexible way they choose to handle it. It’s not to say that other criminal action is occurring (though I’d guess that it is), but… for example, they have no policy to speak of regarding how to catalog digital evidence, such as photos or recordings. Things go disappearing from evidence all the time, right? I watch crime dramas. And I also know all about a lack of policy… we only have a few here at the Advocate and they’re usually found under the table stabbing each other with forks over the last bit of dropped donut. It’s dangerous.

So at the end of all this, the ODOJ decided that things were a mess, and that someone should clean it up. That’s it. No big deal, anyway… just a probe after a cop was caught forging stuff.

Thanks, Oregon Department of Justice.

Rose Parade Wows a Few Hundred People, Maybe

Portland’s Rose Festival, a tradition that dates back some amount of years between 50 and 100, is highlighted by a parade that recently drew just under the number of people that have tried to break into Stefani Germanotta’s house. It was led by none other than Governor of Convenience Kate Brown, as well as Oregon’s first female governor, Barbara Roberts.

All media outlets have been careful to point out that Brown is “considered” (whatever that means) the first openly LGBT governor so as to help pump up the word count when covering this blah event. In fact, Oregon Public Broadcasting’s coverage goes so far as to actually produce another paragraph just to mention that she was named the 40th most interesting women in politics by The Washington Post.

My God, if you’re not asleep right now, pinch yourself just to be sure.

Some floats in the parade included a bunch of cops on horses, a high school marching band, something called the Oregon Mayors Marching Group, a Vietnamese Community Float, and even more big a*s horses from none other than Budweiser, because why not. Maybe that ad they released making fun of craft breweries wasn’t enough, so they wanted to parade about a bunch of horses and have them sh*t in the street.

Results from a scientific Corvallis Advocate poll show 86.7% of onlookers selected “root beer” as their favorite float of the day.

Union Gets Medieval on Some Shakespearean A*ses

Unions… known for their dockside hideouts, under-the-table payouts, and dastardly attempts at providing American workers with fair conditions and decent wages. Well, those bastards are at it again—and this time the behind-the-scenes workers of the Oregon Shakespeare Festival will be raising their hands and saying stuff like “Aye!” and “Nay!”

Only, they already did. So, did the International Alliance of Theatrical Stage Employees add a bunch of new stagehands, wardrobe dandies, and others to their ranks? Why not ask the Google app? That’s right! Now for both iOS and Android, you too can access “the fastest, easiest way to find what you need on the web and on your device.”

You can:

• Quickly search the web and your phone or tablet
• Use your voice to search and more
• Get personalized results based on your location

And as a bonus, I don’t have to actually do any more research!

Oh, and by the way, Lee Barbee: don’t give this app a one-star rating because your hardware is malfunctioning. Talk about tacky.

Washington Hates Bears

Cinder the cuddly, lovable man-eater was released into the wild last week. A year and a half old, the poor wubbins’ had been badly burned during a wildfire in North Central Washington. It was touch and go for the young black bear, but by golly, she made it!

And she gets to spend the rest of her life named “Cinder.” Way to go, Washington. You sick freaks.

Crazy Guy Does Crazy Sh*t and I Don’t Like It, No Sir

Christof Teuscher is a nutjob associate professor at PSU who engages in something called “ultra running.” What is ultra running? Well, in this case it is summiting Mt. Adams and then Mt. Hood, in one go… having put 158 miles under his feet. Oh, and in just under 65 hours.

I feel like I’m going to have to stress-vomit just thinking about it.

By Johnny Beaver