As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbol12,000 U of O Dummies
Ever heard of Meningococcal disease? It’s a pretty awful blood infection, and it is enjoying a continued outbreak on the U of O campus. Lauren Jones, an 18-year-old acrobatics team member, tragically died from it back in February. Currently we’re at seven cases and counting.

Despite the fact that an available vaccine can guard against the disease, something like 12,000 students have so far chosen not to get it. Face palm.

If you know anyone from U of O, you should consider wrapping yourself in Glad wrap when around them. Meningococcal can spread by sharing a beer, eating someone’s sneeze while you’re yawning, or engaging in under-the-sweater heavy petting.

Seriously, though, don’t screw around. While you can live through this, you may not want to. Catching it late can result in permanent blindness and deafness, a reduced IQ, amputations, etc. That and your dumb a*s will have probably spread it to loved ones.

Sea Lion Update
As if there could ever be a more boring headline, a number (around 200 to be non-exact) of fishermen and members of Oregon tribes met at Willamette Falls this past Saturday. There were high fives given and a general hooplaa hooplaa’d in support of a bill that would allow some tribes that have fishing rights to go buck wild on all those damn sea lions hanging out along the Columbia River.

Some folks from a commission with a bunch of words in its name claim that over 8,000 salmon and other delicacies have been chomped down upon by the sea lion horde. This is a huge problem, and it certainly affects us all. Imagine the next time you slide your fat a*s into your car, drive on down to the supermarket, and go to buy some dead fish… SAINTS PRESERVE US, THE PRICES HAVE RISEN! Personally, I believe that as Americans we have the right to expend minimal effort in the pursuit of consuming another living being. One day we’ll be able to teleport soft morsels into our mouths. Those sea lions are ^@$!$#! un-American.

Currently the only people allowed to really murdalize or trap these sea lions are those with the state wildlife departments in Oregon, Washington, and Idaho… but those lazy troglodytes have only managed to take out 30 of them. And none of those kills were achieved with the aid of Ninjutsu or an airborne Lamborghini.

When consulted, biologists have blamed the exploding sea lion population along the Columbia on especially strong “smelt” and salmon runs. The last time I checked, smelting was something you do when you forge a Greatsword out of Obsidian Dragonite(TM) for the Archduke of Carbuncle. Basically, I think these biologists are full of it. That’s why I’m also going to ignore their notes about how the warm ocean temperatures have made it extra difficult for marine mammals, such as sea lions, to find food off of California.

U.S. Forest Service for the Children
As it turns out, for those of you who like to injure yourselves, get sunburns and wind up in the hospital, playing host to a number of skin and blood-borne parasites… it’s your lucky year. The U.S. Forest Service is rolling out some “fee free” days for Oregon and Washington. Oh yeah, baby! Boat launches, picnic grass… places, trails, and visitors centers with really old vending machine candy. Suhweeeet! Oh, wait a second…

It’s only for two days: Saturdays, June 6 and June 13. Designed as a way to supposedly get more youth “connecting” with the bushes and whatnot, this kind of seems like a rip… Wait… this just in… apparently these fee waivers won’t apply to campgrounds, tours, or rentals. My first reaction here is to say, “No sh*t,” but I think I’ll just continue on with my previous train of thought and say, “Those bastards!” I can’t really abandon my false tirade now; I’d totally have to go back and do some editing.

Wyden Busts a Gut
Grand Warlock Senator Ronaldinho Wyden of Oregon stopped by Oregon Public Broadcasting’s studios last week and rained fire on the topic of the Patriot Act, privacy, the Trans-Pacific somethin’ or other, artificial intelligence, and giant robots rising from the sea hell bent on destroying our world so their extra-dimensional masters can either farm our resources (joke is on them, we have none left) or terraform the planet into a gassy, green, stinkgasm that they find comfortable.

He said something about gutbustering the Patriot Act in its current form, but I was distracted by an article about a Muslim cleric that was suggesting masturbation would get your hands pregnant in the afterlife (yeah, you heard that right). Wyden probably said “filibuster,” but I refuse to backtrack for confirmation.

 This is 21st century journalism, folks. There ain’t no stoppin’ this train.

By Johnny Beaver

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