As the State Turns

stateturnssymbolObama Does Nike… and Trade Deal

Alright, so it’s not that historic, but the Cresident in Phief yammered on for about 45 minutes at the Trans Pacific Partnership trade deal, telling people of his plans to make sure Japanese people eat Oregonian steak and assuring the crowd that Ron Wyden was missing from the event because he was working on some related important thing. And not because he’s experiencing a case of irritable bowel syndrome that has baffled the top minds of medical science.

When talking about trade talks that were going on behind closed doors, the COTUS (I’m running with this pseudo-dyslexia thing, deal with it) was like, “Hey, folks, chill out. Trust in the fact that we’re really, really, really smart and have your best interests at heart. Just like those pro Measure 2-89 people that are trying to run traditional farmers out of Benton County, crushing their children’s dreams of affording college.” Somewhere in there he used the word “whooping,” and the general consensus is that we’re OK with that.

There was this other part where he was like NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA NAFTA AND THAT, er, excuse me… and that was pretty cool. Let me paraphrase: “Old stuff not bad, but not good as new stuff is good.” Lots of cave people nodded and grunted.

After going on to talk about trade power and insulting the Chinese industrial complex, he talked a bit about how this trade deal helps the middle class by leveling the playing field and such. And then he ruined it all by ending the speech with the Nike slogan, “Just do it.”

Michael Jordan Takes Over PDX Sewer Bureau

Not the all-star basketball legend, you silly-billies! The guy that nobody has heard of that shares the same name as the all-star basketball legend. And good lord, there truly is nothing else to say about this. I’m so sorry.

It’s a Bird… It’s a Plane! No, It’s an A*shole on the Train Tracks

Forty-one-year-old Tim Norgren (possibly a Timothy, or a Timothocles… we may never know) filled a barrel full of cement and locked his arm to it up in Portland. The goal? Use his very own fleshy carapace to prevent any train (that saw him) from passing, in protest of fossil fuel exports and jobs-to-China-launching trade deals. The plan didn’t work, as police snatched his a*s and tossed him in the clink.

Good job in getting out there and being heard, but still… try a massive sound system next time. The 9th Street Dutch Bros does that from time to time and you can hear the horrible house music from miles away. I’m serious… it sends me into a murderous rage, but I definitely hear them.

Bees: Never Fear, an Oregon Death Reporting System Is Here

You haven’t called a hotline since listening to Gene Simmons’ catch phrases for $4.99 per minute in the late 1970s was cool. Except for that one time when you were lonely, but this is a family paper. Anyway, your hotline-dialing dates -er, days, have returned… sort of.

The Oregon Department of Agriculture has an online-only form (not a hotline… they made a liar out of me!) that lets people report mass bee deaths so they can respond and investigate. It’s easy to use and the page totally fails to scale for people at lower resolutions, resulting in text running over the sidebars (Oracle must’ve made the site). They ask that you avoid making reports of less than 100 dead bees, or to say “fart juice turdknocker buttplug 8=====D.”

With irresponsible use of neonicotinoid poisons leading to bee deaths worldwide, and the fact that bees are kind of responsible for most of our food, this seems like a pretty good idea. You can find the page by typing in the following ridiculously convenient-to-type URL:

In Washington This Week

A teachers’ strike, the Port Commissioner of Vancouver announces plans to not run for re-election, Native American tribes and state officials join hands to party down on legal marijuana policy, and… nobody cares about Washington.

By Johnny Beaver

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