As the State Turns

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stateturnssymbolOregon to No Longer Cry Wolf?
Perhaps! Just last week the Oregon Fish and Wildlife warlords announced it’s time to reconsider the gray wolf’s position on the state endangered species list. In the mid 1940s, Oregon seemed completely void of wolves, but in recent years they have rebounded like a boss. Starting with a few adventurous individuals crossing over from Idaho in the 1990s, state biologists now think we have about 77 wolves living within our invisible borders. That’s right, little Timmy, that comes out to exactly nine packs and eight breeding couples!

While some are definitive advocates for delisting, others, believe it or not, hold opposite opinions. Some consider 77 to be far too low for any species to be considered for removal from their endangered status, suggesting that wolves are being treated differently because select individuals are all like “ermahgerd, werves!” The western-most two thirds of the state fall under the federal Endangered Species Act as well, but many consider the state redundancy to be an important protection to keep in place.

Way back in 2011, before toilet paper was invented, Congress federally delisted wolves for most of eastern Oregon, and just last Thursday some congressional representative from Washington introduced a bill that would see wolves delisted throughout the entire states of Utah, Washington, and Oregon. It’s like dude, mind your own business.

All I can say is… brace yourselves, the lawsuits are coming.

Ohio Strikes First Blow: Invasive Mussels
Mussels. You know ‘em, I know ‘em. And apparently now Oregon is going to get to know some more of them, as wildlife officials just got done taking a crowbar to a boat from Ohio that was absolutely infested with the damn things. Zebra mussels, they say… which I don’t believe a word of because they make zero horse sounds whatsoever, are in Oprah’s “Breakin’ Stuff of the Month Club,” as they’ve racked up billions of dollars in damage around the country.

Currently the Pacific Northwest is one of a select few domestic locales that have yet to be given tickets to this particular gun show. All that stands between us and mussely oblivion is a 2011 law that requires hauling boats to stop at checkpoints for inspection.

Clark County Just Says ‘Sorta’
The Board of Health in good old Clark County is considering regulations for e-cigarettes this week. The proposed ordinance would roughly impose the same restrictions on e-cigs as are on conventional cigarettes. If passed, this would seem an end to the golden age of the vape, as it would finally see some regulation beyond prohibited sale to minors.

Yes, folks. This means Clark County might be the place to go if you want a break from watching all of those weirdos carrying around their dorky looking vape gear, taking random puffs out of nowhere like they’ve got some kind of rapid onset illness that can only be cured with the foggy elixir of Ragadashoon.

Offended? Well, too bad. You look weird and creepy and nobody likes you.

Oregon Brewing Feud Eru-… ::snores::
Salem’s Statesman Journal and Portland’s Willamette Week are going toe-to-toe over comments made regarding the brewery scenes in either city. In the end they both lose to Corvallis anyway, so who cares.

In more exciting news, Portland’s new amateur baseball team is called “The Pickles,” which, well… ::snores again::.

Ugh, sorry. In other news, Oregon’s Two Rivers Correctional Institution has begun a new program: ROC. Which somehow stands for Rehabilitating Canines and Offenders. Dogs go in, train with over a dozen inmates, dogs go out—ready to take on the world. And be adopted by people. And… ::snores::

Gah, okay, I apologize. I haven’t been sleeping lately, and last night I dreamt I was being attacked by Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder, only he had Benedict Cumberbatch’s face. Bastard scurried about like Art Robinson. Anyway, for some real news, Nick Russel, owner of Albany Guns, Coins, and Jewelry (the trailer trash holy trinity) says that background checks for guns are great. Why? Because at the end of the process, both seller and buyer feel confident about the transaction. But there are problems… problems indeed. Terrible problems. This problem: the state is slow and customers sometimes have to wait a few hours for the check to be processed.


I mean, Nick is on to something here. What happens if you’re in desperate need of a hand cannon, to fight off ninjas that are after your family, so you pop into a gun expo, run up to Nick (passing up the JERKY JERKY JERKY booth) and point at the shiniest thing on the table… but lo, hark, gadzooks… the ninjas catch up to you before everyone is sure you’re not a total psychopatch?

 The obvious solution is to inflate the number of state employees processing gun background checks tenfold. But no, no, they won’t do that. There hasn’t been a single ninja attack in the history of the state of Oregon, but when that first one strikes, you better bet your a*s it’ll be on those goddamn liberals.

By Johnny Beaver 

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