By Johnny Beaver
Eugene Police to Ducks Fans: Simmer Down Now
So, I heard there was some sort of big sports to-do this last Monday, but I doubt anyone is too interested in the outcome or anything like that. What is interesting, however, is the rather amusing warning issued to Ducks fans in Eugene by the local heat. Here are a few items of interest:
-Don’t serve alcohol to people under 21.
-If the police come to the door, make sure that whoever greets them is sober.
-If officers warn that tear gas is coming, get far away fast.
I have a few more to add, of course…
-If the cops have plastic badges and their cleavage is popping out, do what they say unflinchingly.
-When you go to the bathroom, take your pants down before relieving yourself.
-Don’t put salt in your eyes. Or up your butt.
The document itself was over 1,600 words and undoubtedly contains a vast collection of age-old wisdom. Wisdom designed to tone down the rough ‘n’ tumble parties that Eugene is known for, anyway. And as far as anyone knows, nothing too crazy went on. Maybe it was because of the crushing defeat… or maybe it had to do with the $1,000 fines instituted a couple of years ago that threaten parties with drinking that are cited for other crimes (such as noise, assault, littering, etc.).
Or maybe it was Maybelline.
Oregon to Reduce Greenhouse Emissions and Whatnot
Last week the Oregon Environmental Quality Commission passed new rules on a 4-1 vote. In your face, person who was the 1! Anyway, the rules promise to reduce greenhouse gas emissions from transportation fuel (you know, that stuff you can’t pump yourself). This should amount to about a 10 percent reduction over a decade… which doesn’t sound like much, but I assure you, there are numbers and math somewhere that look promising.
What it comes down to is this: anyone who imports fuel into Oregon has to reduce the “carbon intensity” (it’s science, just move on) of said fuel, which results in substitution of alternative fuels such as propane, natural gas, biofuel, pop rocks, and so on. Environmental groups and renewable energy companies claim this will boost the alternative fuel market as well as have a positive impact on climate change. And what say the petroleum companies?
“Rarrarar! Grahgbh! RAHHOAYTRRRAAA!!!!”
And of course, this is mainly because they stand to lose profit, which will result in lost profit. Oh, and they’re really concerned about the people they’ll have to lay off to help keep that profit from sinking too low. And by profit in this sense, I mean their own executive paychecks. But hey, this is economics, nobody understands the arcane juices it runs on. Seriously, I took an economics course once and dropped it when I spotted my first wizard.
The moral of the story is somewhere around here… ah, there it is, between “Yay environment!” and “It’s impossible to do anything good without screwing someone, isn’t it?”
First Transgender Mayor Leaves Office
Stu Rasmussen, the first openly transgender person to hold public office in the US, just finished up his six-year term as the mayor of Silverton. Thanks to the courage, dedication, and balls-out bravery of folks like him, perhaps at some point people will laugh at the idea that we once felt the need to mention race, sexual orientation, or anything of that sort in the same breath as a person’s station in life. You know, like when the GT forgot it could write “protestor” and not “[insert race here] protestor” over and over a while back…
So how did good old Stu do? Well, there were awesome things implemented such as the early warning system at the Silver Creek Dam, a skate park, a senior center, and… what’s that? You want to hear more about his gender reassignment instead? Ah, you’re in the wrong place. The mainstream media is over there ::points::
Police Blame Driver in Tanker Crash
Remember the fishpocalypse last week that ended with the tanker crashing and spilling about 11,000 Chinook salmon youngsters on the highway? Yeah, me too. That sucked. What sucks worse is that Oregon State Police have now blamed the driver, one 45-year-old Ray C. Lewis of Umpqua, and have slapped him upside the head with drunken and reckless driving charges.
Now, I can’t be the only one who thinks there’s something fishy going on. There was one Ray, and 227,000 salmon on that truck. What are the chances it was Ray that caused the accident, and not one of those slippery bastards? That’s like, a 1 in 227,001 shot.
People Name Wolf Stuff
OR-7, the now-not-so-lone-wolf roaming southwestern Oregon… his family has been nicknamed “the Rogue Pack.” And that’s about all there is to that.
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