If you’re like me and have literally nothing better to do, you’ve been making daily drives through the Walmart parking lot to get a glimpse of what may or may not be happening with the old Office Max building. Well, folks, let those thighs quiver: the Adult Shop of Corvallis has announced a move into that spot in order to open their very first superstore. Yes indeed, now you too can buy a Costco-sized tub of glow-in-the-dark lube (seriously, think about that for a second) and complain about how you keep buying Walmart cheese because it’s cheaper, despite your ethical sensibilities.
Slated to open in late June of this year, the Adult Shop’s CEO, Harry Mahnbeest, has promised a ribbon cutting ceremony that you’ll remember for years. The first 50 customers through the door will get gift bags with $25 gift certificates, habanero butt cream, a personalized Sponge Bob sticker pack, and a 1:1 scale rubber replica of David Hasselhoff’s wing-dang-doodle. One lucky customer will also win the raffle, which will contain a voucher for one free unintentional viral home video release, all absolutely against their will!
“While most of the community is embracing this move, some have taken action against us,” said Mahnbeest, “the most visible of which has been Jimmy John’s, who has threatened to take down their obnoxious ‘Free Smells’ sign.” Jimmy John’s could not be reached for comment because founder Jimmy John Liautaud was busy shooting endangered species from a helicopter.
Until the extravaganza begins, be sure to check out the current Adult Shop on 9th Street here in Corvallis. And this is where I’d normally insert a catchy phrase about getting in there, likely using the device “get your groove on.”
By Johnny Beaver