GUIDES and Mons La Hire, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9:30 p.m. Free
Oh snap, this is a bona fide show of the week right here. Mons La Hire is actually a lot more accessible and pop-infused than their name or inscrutable band webpage, which is just a blog that talks about several things, none of them things that the band name would suggest. GUIDES are a crazy big-sounding band in from LA that might be the next big thing in shoegazing. This would definitely be a show to see if you were entertaining friends from out of town and wanted to mislead them about the quality and eclecticism of live music in Corvallis. Also if you’re broke. Yay for free shows!
Marys River Grange Movie Night, Marys River Grange Hall, 24707 Grange Hall Rd. Philomath, 7 p.m. Free
Yeah, movies keep it realer than real in the wintery rainy days of December. And nothing keeps it as really real as free movies at a grange. The National Grange system is itself a fascinating subject that Ken Burns should make a documentary about, but when you throw in free movies with newsreels and cartoons? Come on. This is the fourth installment of MRGMN and we’ll be screening His Girl Friday, the legendary comedy with Cary Grant and Rosalind Russell. Philomath, this is for you, baby!
GoldFoot and The Kosmos, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8 p.m. $5
These are two bands that deal in what was called “funk” in the 70s and 80s. In the 90s we described this genre as “college radio,” either one of these bands might as well be called Naugahyde Windpipe. But they are playing some serious funk. Some unpretentious, Bruno Mars-less funk. And that has to be your cup of tea, assuming you are a Caucasian male aged 35-58. Which like 60% of this town is. See you all there. GoldFoot is out of Portland, but these ballers calling themselves The Kosmos are straight out of Corvallis. With all that entails. What does that mean? I don’t know… mysterious…
Coin of the Realm, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7:30 p.m. Free
Coin of the Realm is a goddamn great name for a band. It would be even better for a band that plays old Nintendo themes while dressed in Middle Earth gear. But for this “gypsy orchestra” it oughta do just fine. The band has strings and horns and plays an interesting and international sounding brand of music perfect for rainy days and drug use. This is one of the more exciting shows to come through the ’Gine in a while, no offense to Bryson Skaar or Celtic Jam, so we should all go. If they continue to raise the game up from here, the next act they book will be Cher. Or Mighty Mighty Bosstones or something.
Best Christmas Pageant Ever, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7:30 p.m. $16 ($14 members, seniors, students)
As both a Jew and a jerk, I can’t say this is the best-looking show in the Majestic’s lineup. This is my least favorite time of year, and plays about it sound awful. That said, this production of the beloved stage show, about a family of cutups and latchkey kids who put on a life-changing Christmas pageant, will probably ignore my Grinchiness and just be excellent. Haven’t you heard? The Majestic is back, baby. This is just the first of your many chances to see this show, and it’s probably already sold out anyway, so just a tease really…
Corvallis Squares Square Dance, First Congregational Church, 4515 SW Hills Rd. 7 p.m. $5
If you know this column, you know there was like zero chance I wasn’t picking a square dance. It’s square dancing. If you’re not into this, get into it. There isn’t anything better going on in town all week. What’s the matter? Is there a new episode of Two Broke Girls or some other half brain-dead piece of moronic garbage on network TV this night? Is it the Sabbath? I thought so, you—oh wait, it is the Sabbath. Alright, that’s a pretty decent excuse, and for the record you can email me about coming to my house for Shabbos dinner. But for the rest of you, don’t embarrass yourselves. Square dancing.
Corvallis Youth Symphony Concert, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 3 p.m. $10 in advance, $12 at the door, $2 for students
Alright Corvallis, look at the high culture on you. I was pretty big in the youth symphony circuit in the Midwest, so I can tell you how real this gets. And to be clear, by “big in the circuit” I do mean I was a bit portly in middle school. At any rate, this will be great, and these kids deserve a night to shine on a nice stage. And at only $2 for students, the throngs of their classmates that are surely waiting to kick their a*ses after the concert should have no trouble affording admission.
Jubilate! Winter Concert: Calling All Angels, First United Methodist Church, 1165 NW Monroe Ave. 4 p.m. $12 adults, free for children under 12
Is F.U. Meth stepping up their lineup? For those just joining the 8 Days stream of consciousness already in progress, F.U. Meth is the nickname I gave this deserving church venue. Because I’m a real peach. And now to circle back and answer that seemingly open-ended question from the first sentence: Yes, yes they are. Jubilate will be a singing praisestravaganza of church songing that will either get you into the Christmas spirit, or all the way into heaven, depending on how up to date your prayers are, and what your cholesterol level is. And it’s free for your kids under 12. So why not just send them and kick back with a bottle of wine and that porno you and your significant other have been talking about watching.
Bryson Skaar, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7 p.m. Free
There’s a serious air of BS at the ‘Gine every Monday. I’m referring of course to the most reliable live jazz gig in Corvallis, Bryson Skaar. Sometimes he’s joined by the fellows from Manhattan on the Rocks for a full band experience, but usually it’s just the one wiry dude playing piano by himself. Well, not entirely by himself; he’s usually seated in front of pretty much half the women over 60 who live in Corvallis. See what’s so popular with these ladies. Catch the Skaar fever.
Love in Unexpected Places Audition, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7:30 p.m. Free
Challenge Corvallis: I’m considering trying out for this interesting-looking little piece at The Majestic, what about you? I guess that wasn’t really put in challenge format, it was more of a friendly statement. Okay, I challenge you to show up and try out for this play. The Majestic is all about community participation. So why not be a fearless community and show up in droves to try out for this play? Worst case scenario: it confirms your fear that you’re terrible. Which you might be.
Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St. 7 p.m. Free
CMNYK continues to be very much on fire with the hotness. This week it’s the long awaited return of Alfred Hitchcock to CMNYK with the classic comic mystery Secret Agent (1936) starring British legend John Gielgud and house favorite Peter Lorre in his seventh appearance. These screenings are more community centered than watching a movie at an actual community center. And they’re hosted by a dude that I can only objectively describe as the handsomest Cleveland transplant to the Willamette Valley since Terell Brandon tried to open that winery a few years back. And it’s that kind of clever reference-heavy humor you’ll find in spades at CMNYK. There’s also cartoons and newsreels. And free admission.
R.ariel, Interzone, 1563 NW Monroe Ave. 7 p.m. Free
The DIY series at Interzone is easily Corvallis’ best live music series you don’t know or care about at all. And if your plan is to continue not knowing or caring about this at all, you’re in luck, because I really know very little about it. But R.ariel is dynamite experimental art-rock act in from Phoenix. And they’re dripping with authenticity, lack of pretention, and a dearth of Americana. I love it. Don’t be scared off by the avant gardeness of it all. That’s the point. Plus, take my word for it, just try living in Arizona and not being an experimental art-rock band. Arizona is like an even hotter Florida without any of the charm. Or water.
Emerald City Jazz Kings, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 3 p.m. $15-$30
Do the ECJKs even play anywhere else? I feel like they blow through Corvallis a lot for a band that doesn’t actually live here. Regardless of their origin, they are fabulous and they’re probably the biggest band, literally and possibly also figuratively, that comes through LaSells until Bobby McFerrin comes this spring (not a joke by the way, better start camping out for tickets now). I’ve never seen the Jazz Kings play live before, but something tells me they’re a royal treat… Ha, see what I did there? You’re welcome.
Joe Jangles Martines, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
Mr. Jooooooooooooooeeeee Jangles! *sung to the tune of Mr. Bojangles by the Nitty Gritty Dirty Band* Am I right, people? Yes I am. Joe Martines is one of many local stalwarts who breaks it out and puts it down for free on the pretty regular in town. Have you thanked him lately? The good news is he does not require anything special for thanks. Just show up to his show and don’t bellow the tune to Mr. Bojangles drunkenly at the top of your lungs… If there are two of us doing it it’ll sort of ruin it.
Curtis Monette, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
Speaking of local stalwarts who love to put it down for free; oh hi there, Curtis Monette. Has it already been like three or four weeks since the last time you were at Bombs playing for free? Apparently so. C-Money is back with his unique brand of jamming, looping, shredding, and some other participle verbs he ostensibly executes with his guitar. You should all go, unless you have a great excuse. My great excuse for missing this show is the many years long-running duel to the death that is ongoing betwixt me and Mr. Monette. Last time we squared off was in the courtyard of the Louvre in 1924. I believe I struck a quite palpable blow, but Mr. Monette was able to slink off and heal himself in preparation for our next match, on the roof of the Sears Tower in 2037. There can be only one. But otherwise, you should all go to this show.
Free Range Open Mic Night, Cloud & Kelly’s Public House, 126 SW 1st St. 8 p.m. Free
On the other hand, you might just be in the market for something more unpredictable and eclectic (than a one-man looping improv band). You are also in luck, because there’s this open mic jam that alternates between Cloud and Bombs and it’s Cloud’s turn. Let’s do this mess (no references to 80s sci-fi).