The Weather Machine and Jared, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. Free
Jared is the Jared (Jared Ryan Maldonado) from Portland indie sensation Dresses. And if you don’t love this band Dresses, let me just tell you: you and me will get along. Wanna come over and make dismissive hand gestures while not listening to a Dresses track? OK, I’m a hater. But this is definitely your show of the week right here with two out-of-town acts that could theoretically tour nationally, playing for free. You’re welcome.
Rough Jazz, Calapooia Brewing, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 7 p.m. Free
Rough Jazz is back in action at the ‘Pooia. And I’m very pleased, because these guys are terrific and I like that they don’t use kid gloves with their music. If I learned anything from Fifty Shades of Grey Days of Thunder, it’s that sometimes getting a little rough can make the evening, and that rubbing is racing. Come to the ‘Pooia and get both your evening rub on with me and Rough Jazz. For free. Cha-ching!
Space Neighbors and Goldfoot, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. $5
If you’re not down with Space Neighbors, you’re not down with the Corvallis live music scene. Which is fine with me; I’m not the arbiter of hobbies and interests. I’m just saying—don’t go around puffing up your seeks-out-independent-music bona fides if you can’t get down with Space Neighbors. They’re back with their good friends Goldfoot, which sounds like a band named after a fictional Bond villain with one gimpy, shriveled-up leg, and one that shoots lasers. I’m there! “Goldfoot! Do you expect me to talk?” “Why no, Mr. Bond! I expect you to d—holy hell, Mr. Bond, are you aware you have late-stage syphilis?”
Kiss Me Like You Mean It, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7:30 p.m. $15 ($12 for seniors, members, students
The Majestic stage is straight heating up this summer with a bunch of bonkers plays and musicals. This one is directed by Majestic vet Pat Kight, and knowing absolutely nothing about it except what I imagine, I’m guessing this is a play about Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons meeting in a Brooklyn Yeshiva and coming up with the concept for the hottest band in rock and roll under the watchful and disapproving eye of the head Rabbi. Oh hey, thanks Google… turns out I was exactly right. Corvallis Rock City here we come…
Graand Kinetic Challenge Featuring the Svens, Benton County Fairgrounds, 110 SW 53rd St. 9 a.m. (7 p.m. for music, $5 cover)
The best part of da Vinci Days would never leave you hanging, Corvallis. These kinetic sculpture-riding champs bring it every year and never disappoint. So be a lamb and don’t leave them in a lurch. They still need volunteers! To join the GKC Aarmy, email Roni Sue for details at firstname.lastname@example.org. Then show up for two days of madness including live music from the human kinetic sculptures known as the Svens. Why am I so jazzed on this? I don’t know, maybe because it’s not another folk/Americana band playing at the ‘Pooia. It’s a f*cking kinetic sculpture race.
Cascade Rye, Calapooia Brewing Company, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 8 p.m. Free
Amiright? Kinetic… sculpture… oh crap. How awkward, folk/Americana act at the ‘Pooia, I didn’t expect to run into you again so soon. Cascade Rye has an inscrutable band name and their music possesses equal levels of scrutability. So don’t be scared off by the price. That’s why I like to frequent these kicka*s free shows at the ‘Pooia. Not only do they cost nothing, but also I’m receiving a cut of the door take for promoting them. Hey, wait a second…
Blues Jam!, Calapooia Brewing Company, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 4 to 6 p.m. Free
I used to hold a similar get-together at my apartment. It was also called “Blues Jam,” but we had a lot of sad sex and that’s about it. This event will be at least 75% as sad and probably 150% as sexy. Also, I have to point out that this event is timed perfectly to go after the Graand Kinetic Challenge, which you presumably volunteered in and spent two days in the sun watching. So cool off, grab a pint of ‘Pooia at the ‘Pooia, and kick your feet up with sad music. Or as we call it in my house, “Nights of Intimacy.”
Graand Kinetic Challenge, Benton County Fairgrounds, 110 SW 53rd St. 10 a.m. $5
The Sunday installment of this two-day kinetic sculpture meltdown is decidedly less booze-soaked and long. It starts at 10 and it’s over just after lunch. But that doesn’t mean it will be any less insane or awesome than the day before. And it also doesn’t mean that they won’t require volunteers. So hit it hard and hit often, email@example.com, and tell them Sidney sent you. They’ll have no idea who that is, but then again, neither do you and you still read this column every week… don’t you, Mom?
Bryson Skaar, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7:30 p.m. Free
Bryson Skaar was advertised to be rocking his keys at the Community Movie Night one year anniversary screening. But then he wasn’t able to make it, and Manhattan on the Rocks blew up the place without him. Does that mean that Skaar is no longer the jazz piano flavor of the every-month? Or that Skaar-bro is no longer fair (to put it in unbearably obnoxious terms)? No, it sure doesn’t. Dude still be kickin’ out the jamz every Monday night to rapt 70+ audience of coffee enjoyers. I like to show up wearing not much, because even with my grey hairs and lack of physical fitness, I’m what you’d call “eye candy” at this show.
Yoga in the Gallery, the Arts Center, 700 SW Madison Ave. 6 p.m. Suggested donation: $5
I sort of preferred Pilates in the Art Space, which they used to do at the Arts Center before my ancient blood feud with the instructor ended with hurt feelings, injuries, and property damage. This is sort of OK, I guess, if getting in the best shape of your life surrounded by the beautiful art of Oregon is something you’re interested in. For the rest of you, I’ve noticed they don’t pay that much attention to the cash register in the gift shop, so… bring your latex gloves and lock pick. I mean, uh… yoga mats.
Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St. 7 p.m. Free
CMNYK keeps blowing my summer mind with amazing classic movies and a bustling Pog trading underground. Now I know what you’re thinking, “Wait, what? Pogs? For real?” Yes for real. After every screening, in which Ygal shows classic movies for free, with newsreels cartoons and other goodies, you can then hang around the lobby of the Darkside until well after closing (trust me, they don’t have homes or families to go to anyway) and get involved in a lively bazaar of Pogs, Tech Decks, Crazy Bones, and a hundred other weird collectible games that flourished briefly in the 90s before totally disappearing. There’s buying, selling, trading, bare-knuckle fisticuffs for entertainment. And yes, it all happens at the Darkside after CMNYK every Tuesday. But you have to see the movie first to gain admission. Everything I’ve written here is true…
Corvallis Knights vs. Cowlitz Blackbears, Goss Stadium, 430 SW Langton Pl. 6:40 p.m. $6
Finally the Knights are playing a team without a terrible team name. I mean, Cowlitz isn’t great. They can’t be too thrilled with that, but at least the Blackbears isn’t the Tinkerbells, or the Milksippers or something. So this is definitely a game to go to. That said, I still intend on seeing the Knights completely obliterate these fools. Do not BYOB. I tried that last week, and it worked, but I don’t want to tell you where I had to hide that six-pack…
Mango Django, Central Park, 650 NW Monroe Ave. 7:30 p.m. Free
Last week it was Hilltop Big Band, which means this time it’s the rhyming fruit’s chance to bust the jazz music for free at the park. I totally prefer this free show in the park to the one I got from those two meth heads a couple weeks ago. Though that show did have an amusing amount of genital exposure and choreographed dance numbers. Mango Django will not being doing any of that. Sorry, just terrific music for free outside amongst your friends. You just can’t catch a break, huh?
Dan Ryker 2.0, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
Surely you know Dan Ryker. If not from the fawning profile in these very pages, than from the weekly gift baskets he frequently delivers to random houses in town. Baskets filled with dried fruits, nuts, various jerkies, and lovely scented hair conditioner. Wait, he doesn’t do that? Well, he should. I bet a lot more people would turn out to see his loopy one-man music-ing. For real, though, Dan Ryker 2.0 is my jam. Far superior to the outdated 1.0 models some jerks still listen to.
Wild Hog in the Woods, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8 p.m. Free
WHitW is back, babies! The best band with the worst acronym in town is back blowing minds with their patented “music totapatoeto.” Here’s a thought for them, and it’s a freebie, but maybe change the name of the band to Wild Hog in the Evening. That way the band acronym would be WHitE, just like the members of this band and the entirety of the crowd watching them. What? Not in the mood for racially tinged humor, huh? OK, then they can change the name of their band to Wild Hog in Some Titillating Lace Eveningwear. So we could call them Whistle, which is no doubt what people do when these handsome studs walk down the street.
Mikael Pederson, Calapooia Brewing, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 7:30 p.m. Free
Daaaaaaamn, the ‘Pooia is hitting it hard this week with singer-songwriters, blues acts, touring bands, booze… What’s not to like? Mikael Pederson is another talented strummer ‘n’ crooner who plans to steal your heart with his magical lyrics and mystical playing. Just kidding. He just does insult comedy while spitting and grabbing his groin. But hey, it’s free!