Thursday, May 21
Curtis Monette
Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. Free
Can you believe Corvallis’ own multi-talented axe-master has been melting faces with his looping peddle for over 10 years now? You can, huh? Way to not play along, Corvallis. You can be a real d*ck that way sometimes… Anyway, Curtis Monette is a beast on the stage, and a gentleman in the swimming pool. And he plays for free. Which makes him way more of a bargain than any of the other fabulous deals on local music I’ve listed here. Be there, or be square, valley residents.
Free Range Open Mic Night
Cloud & Kelly’s Public House,
126 SW 1st St. 8 p.m. Free
Do you love my prickly brand of snarky dismissivism? Are you just sort of itching for more of me yawning and cracking wise about local music and art? You’re in luck, because open mics are basically 8 Days Live, wherein I sit at a table, get wildly inebriated, and start speaking truth to a bunch of amateurs flexing nuts onstage. If you’re one of the amateurs who plans to play this event, don’t worry, you are on your way to becoming a star, and please ignore the rude drunkard at Table 3. No matter how handsome he is, he doesn’t know anything about music. You go on with your singer-songwriter moroseness.
Friday, May 22
Comedy Night
Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. Free
Jeff Oliver is one of the funnier things to come out of Corvallis, not counting our preposterous and unreciprocated rivalry with Eugene. So when he comes back to lead a bunch of talented stand-up comedians in a night of not-Americana music, it would behoove us to show up. This is of course the best thing happening in Corvallis that isn’t an internationally renowned musical act you can’t get tickets to.
Pink Martini
LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 7:30 p.m. $50 to $70
Oh, hi there, internationally renowned musical act you can’t get tickets to. On maybe the best week of music in Corvallis all year, this is only the second-best show. Pink Martini is one of those throw back outfits that can somehow stay profitable. The band is huge, the music is dusty and old, and they don’t swear, get high on stage, or twerk. Despite all those shortcomings, they’re terrific. If I weren’t morally opposed to spending more than $5 on a concert, I’d consider this. Also, it’s probably sold out.
Saturday, May 23
The Hoot Hoots
Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. $3
F*ck yes. Let’s do this, Hoot Hoots. This is one of my favorite sparky bunch of rockers to come to town in awhile. Seattle’s upstart pop rockers are sure to blow up Bombs Away (how have I never used that one before?) with their infectious, power-infused melodies. These guys sort of remind me a bit of Brainiac with hints of Pretty & Nice in there, too. Three dollars is a criminally good deal for this outfit. So you can either spend $50 to $70 to see Pink Martini, or see the Hoot Hoots 20 times. I know where I’d spend my money… at Carl’s Jr. But this is still show of the week for sure.
SPACE ODYSSEY
Cloud & Kelly’s Public House,
126 SW 1st St. 10 p.m. Free
Just what the hell is SPACE ODYSSEY? And why does its promoter not understand the concept of lowercase letters? I have no answer to either of those pressing questions. What I do know is that this “intergalactic decathlon” is “hosted by DJ Travesty,” according to the website. I’m not sure how a DJ hosts a decathlon, or who DJ Travesty is, but I do like track and field events, in moderation, and wouldn’t mind seeing this Travesty fellow hucking the ol’ shot put. What’s that? Ohhhh, it says danceathon, not decathlon. That makes more sense…
Sunday, May 24
Les Miserables
Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St.
7:30 p.m. $25 ($20 for students, seniors, members)
I bet my distaste for Les Miserables is deeply rooted in the image of Russell Crowe singing at Hugh Jackman like a buffoon. Which is completely unfair to the Majestic troupe that’s putting on this production. By all accounts they totally kill it, which makes sense, because they made me totally not hate The Sound of Music a couple of years ago when they did that one. And much like that impressive show, this one has absolutely no Russell Crowe in it. This is your last chance to see the musical everyone’s been talking about. It’s also Russell Crowe’s last chance to apologize to me…
Blues Jam!
Calapooia Brewing Company, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 4 to 6 p.m. Free
What’s half as old as Les Miserables, twice as sad, and only one-quarter to one-fifth as annoying? That’s right Bs and Hs, it’s Blues Jam at the ‘Pooia once again. In honor of the great B.B. King, who passed away just a week ago, I’m going to be there and I’m going to be shouting out “Lucille” a lot. If that’s not how you imagined yourself memorializing the blues legend, than what can I tell you? I hate your face. Let’s fight.
Monday, May 25
Memorial Day Concert 2015
LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 7 p.m. Free
The Willamette Valley Concert Band is going to blow their way into your heart. Wait, that came out wrong. You see, they have wind and brass sections, that’s all I meant by blow. At any rate, rest assured they’re going to make your Memorial Day extra memorable by using their mouths and hands to enchant you. Crap. I’m just making this worse, aren’t I? OK, let’s keep it simple; this is a free group event for men and women, clothes optional. OK, that last one was on purpose…
Bryson Skaar
Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7:30 p.m. Free
My birthday falls on Memorial Day this year, so what better birthday present could there be than getting to see my totally hetero man-crush live at the ‘Gine? Bryson’s fingers know the shortest distance to an alt-weekly writer’s heart is 88 keys long. Also I have a piano key necktie that I’ve been waiting for just the right opportunity to break out in public, so buckle up for high fashion in addition to a guy who’s really high at Bryson’s next show.
Tuesday, May 26
Community Movie Night
Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St.
7 p.m. Free
Screen legend Mickey Rooney makes his first appearance at CMNYK with an underrated and overlooked suspense/melodrama. It’s Quicksand (1950), directed by Irving Pichel. This strange parable about morals and desperation also features Community Movie Night fave Peter Lorre as a dark and manipulative antagonist. Ygal Kaufman opens every show with interesting background and trivia about the night’s feature, and one can only imagine what ribald tidbits he’s got up his sleeve about the sexiest sex symbol of them all, the original McDreamy himself: Peter Lorre. Wait, what?
Timba Tuesday
Impulse Bar, 1425 Monroe Ave. 8 p.m. Free
I don’t know if I love Timba Tuesday for the dancing, or for the $1 tacos they serve all night long. I’m additionally unsure whether or not scheduling $1 tacos on the same night as a weekly salsa dancing event is racist or not. I guess it sort of depends on who owns Impulse and how much they want to pay me to stop drawing attention to inconvenient facts. #schnitzeltuesday
Wednesday, May 27
Darcy Lecture
LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 3:30 p.m. Free
Dr. Rainer Helmig from the Institut fur Wasser-und Umweltsystemmodellierung at Universitat Stuttgart is the distinguished Darcy lecturer for the afternoon. His talk is about “evaluating the competitive use of the subsurface: the influence of energy storage and production in groundwater,” according to the event notice. I don’t know, people, better hit up the dispensary before this talk, ‘cause it sounds like it will be way better on weeeeed. Sorry, my sophomoric attempts at drug humor are merely to mask my feelings of inadequacy regarding how much I don’t know about this lecture at all. Half Baked was a good movie though…
League of Women Voters 65th Annual Meeting
Corvallis-Benton County Public Library, 645 NW Monroe Ave. 6 p.m. Free
The League of Women Voters is having their 65th Annual Meeting with special guest speaker Marisa Chappell, an associate professor of history at OSU. She teaches courses on the history of the civil rights movement among other things, so this is a timely and well-planned get together. Also bear in mind, this is an LWV event at a public library, so obviously you should plan to BYOB. I hear the beer they serve there is terrible.
Thursday, May 28
Kalida
Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. $3
These guys look and sound exactly how you’d imagine a band out of Portland called Kalida would look and sound. If that look and sound is for you, you’re going to love this show, and the bargain basement $3 pricing. If you, like me, are disinclined to pay any amount of money for a band with song names such as “Retro Groove,” “Roots Down,” or “Reckless Beauty,” then you’re welcome to come over to my house. My cousins are in town from Albania, and they really like drinking. So I expect an even better time than you’ll have listening to Kalida’s smooth jammy rocking. The cover is $3 at my house, too. Someone’s got to cover the vodka and prostitutes, and I’ll be gosh darned if it’s going to be me again…
The Extremites, Lisa Vasquez, The Turntable Enabler & Future Metz
Cloud & Kelly’s Public House, 126 SW 1st St. 10 p.m. Free
Turntable Enabler and Future Metz just opened for Gift of Gab a couple months ago, so I would describe them as “legit.” A slightly less douchey version of me might also shower praise on The Extremities and Lisa Vasquez, but I have no idea who they are. Not to mention the fact that there is no less douchey version of me. Seriously, though, show up to support Corvallis hip-hop or it will literally disappear. In a way it’s not unlike your grandma in that rest home…