Those Scary Reds, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7:30 p.m. $10 ($8 for members, seniors, students)
5 to 1 Theatre Ensemble wrote this timely piece of commie sympathizing and will perform it for your viewing pleasure. The website lists someone named Joseph Workmen as the “spiritual leader.” That may just be a typo of OSU Theatre member Joseph Workman’s name, or it might be a subtly thematic reference to Joseph Stalin and the worker’s party. Either way, I’ll be at home chain smoking cigarettes and muttering epithets about collectivism and how “the pinkos” are ruining this country. Let me know how the show goes, won’t you?
Melanie Reid and Friends, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. $1 to $5
The Bomb’s website refers to Melanie Reid as a “legendary songstress.” I’m going to go ahead and meet them more than halfway on that little embellishment. Let’s just say Melanie Reid knows how to put on a good show, and for anywhere from $1 to $5, that’s probably a pretty good deal. There’s also rumors her “friends” will join her on stage. One can only hope they’re equally or, if possible, more legendary than she is…
Ukulele Cabaret, First Alternative South Store, 1007 SE 3rd St. 7 p.m. Free
The Wallop Sisters are great. These gals really pack a… large overnight bag before traveling by rail. But less on the nose, they also play a serious level of ukulele, the preferred instrument of hipsters, the culturally authentic and enormous dudes with a good sense of visual humor. If I understand the format of this event correctly, you get to show up and jam out on your uke with a bunch of polite and interesting fellow travelers. It’s basically a tony guitar cult. Yikes, that didn’t make it sound very good… Rest assured you probably won’t get brainwashed and/or kidnapped at this event.
Corvallis High School Z Club Open Mic Night, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7 p.m. Free
The CHS Zombie Appreciation Club is putting on an open mic night where participants are encouraged to just stand in front of the mic and sway while moaning “brains…” I don’t know, that sounds fun, I guess, but I do have my concerns about these millennials and their obsessions. I mean, it used to be that if a movie or band got popular you’d see a fair amount of replication, but these kids just saturate everything. Enough with the open mic nights already, am I right? In case it was unclear, and judging by the lack of a rimshot, it probably was, Z Club actually stands for Zonta Club. Google that, and then “prepare for Indigo Girls covers,” says a joke I would have made in 1992.
Paula Poundstone, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 7 and 9:30 p.m. $34 to $38
I can’t tell if it’s slyly misogynistic to note how rapaciously unfunny Paula Poundstone is, or if it’s brave. Also, is it offensive that they would book her for “Mom’s Weekend” and not for the dads? Who do the dads get? If it’s an equivalently recognizable name who hasn’t been funny in 20 years, if ever, I would have to guess Howie Mandel. Or no, Jeff Foxworthy. Either way, I’ll be missing this event like it’s a friend’s wedding in Hawaii. Come on bro, we can’t all afford to drop a grand just to see you make good on that condom malfunction. That’s just the type of edgy humor you won’t get with Paula…
Stairway Denied, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 10 p.m. $10
I’m sure I’m gonna make some enemies with this next part; but I need to see a local Zeppelin tribute band about as much as I need to buy some anti-fungal ointment for that weird itch I’m developing. Wait, no, that was a bad analogy. I really do need that ointment. I could sort of live without a night of Zeppelin covers. Though from what I’ve heard, these guys are actually terrific. Then again, so is my proctologist, and it’s not like I’m in a hurry to see him. The $10 cover here should actually be as much of a draw as an impediment; you know nobody in Corvallis is charging $10 unless they’re really freaking good. Or selling bad meth. Either way, I’m there!
Jon Kimura Parker, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 4 p.m. $20
This is another amazing show from the Corvallis Piano International series. Kimura Parker is a virtuoso who has played all over the globe for kings, queens, and assorted dignitaries. Now he comes to the Valley to play for home-brewers, lumberjacks, and potheads. “The world is a funny place,” I’m sure he tells himself every night before crying himself to sleep. My point about a $10 cover meaning the act is probably pretty good goes double here. Math, people, it’s not just for ensuring your water doesn’t get shut off anymore.
Blues Jam!, Calapooia Brewing Company, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 4 to 6 p.m. Free
Blues Jam, your tenacity cannot be discounted. I would have predicted that after the last 30 weeks of me claiming I’d show up and do terrible things, you would have folded up the tent and become a poetry slam. But no, you called my bluff and stayed true to your bluesy roots. This has forced me to up the ante: this week I’m showing up. Not naked, not flatulent, and not hurling harmful epithets into the atmosphere. Much worse; I’m just going to be there, as myself. Now you’re all really in trouble…
Bryson Skaar, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7:30 p.m. Free
This past weekend, when the police were escorting me to a holding cell after finding me passed out on Bryson’s back porch, it occurred to me: Do I like this guy and his jazz piano stylings a little too much? Is such a thing even possible? As I was being brutalized in the cell by a face-tattooed goon who called himself Deathstroyer, I think I found my answer in the glistening rage of my attacker’s eyes. Do I like Bryson Skaar a little too much? No.
Glass Act: OSU MUCC Glass Guild & His and Hers, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 6:30 p.m. Free
Do you wonder how quality glass blowing gets done? You don’t? What, do you think the head shop just picks your color-changing bong off a water-pipe tree? No, dummy. Talented glass blowing artists are the ones responsible for that work of art you pack with weed, hash, and sometimes, when your dude can get it, opium. Come see them ply their trade and learn a thing or two about how you get high. Also, use common sense and don’t bring your broken bowl to this event and ask them if they can fix it. I already asked and they said no.
Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St. 7 p.m. Free
CMNYK is busting out the big guns this week. It’s Cold Sweat (1970) starring the one, the only, the inimitable, Charles Bronson. Directed by Terence Young, who helmed the first three James Bond movies, and co-starring film legends James Mason, Liv Ullman, and Jill Ireland, this is an overlooked and underrated action classic. Buckle up for some hot car chases on the Riviera, and try and prepare yourself for the manliest mustache that ever was. Guns be blazin’, this week at the Darkside.
Drink & Draw, Cloud & Kelly’s Public House, 126 SW 1st St. 7 p.m. Free
I thought Drink & Draw was a thing of the past, at least at Cloud’s. Obviously we drink and draw almost every night at my house, though we’re usually drawing pistols on each other. You’re never going to get good at it unless you practice. The drinking I mean, you’ll never be a good artist, or duelist, as your parents would have told you if they weren’t too busy popping Ativan. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Drink & Draw is back. Get a DD and show up to D&D. That’s designated driver and Drink & Draw, not Daredevil and Dungeons & Dragons…
LMNO, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 7:30 p.m. Free
LMNO is Corvallis hip-hop royalty. I know what you’re thinking, aren’t they Corvallis’ only hip hop act? Yes. They pretty much are. And they play out a lot. So I guess what I’m saying is, don’t feel bad if you miss this show. You should feel bad about missing your dad’s birthday, but knowing you, you’ll probably just show up at his house and tell him you’re short on rent this month. And he’ll bellow, “That’s not my problem! I told you to major in computer science!” Or something like that… I imagine… But seriously though, LMNO is a rap group.
Shrubs and Trees with Ed Jensen, Peavy Hall, 3100 SW Jefferson Way. 6 p.m. Free
Ed Jensen is going to teach you to identify shrubs. Whatever you’re burning to know about shrubs, OSU Forestry Professor Jensen’s got your back. If you want to know about trees, you’re out of luck though, because this guy knows nothing about—wait, what’s that? Nevermind. This will be a shrubs and trees event. Repeat. Shrubs and trees… That’s funny, my pulse just slowed to a complete stop.
Dolly West’s Kitchen, Withycombe Hall, 2921 SW Campus Way. 7:30 p.m. $12 ($10 for seniors, $8 for youth/students, $5 for OSU students)
Frank McGuinness’ World War II era play about hard living in Ireland is sure to be another tightly produced OSU Theatre joint. I’ve seen several plays by this group on the Withycombe stage, and I have almost nothing sarcastic or mean-spirited to say about them. They’re frickin’ good and they put out challenging material. There’s almost no reason to miss this. I’m still going to show up and holler things, but that’s because the heckler’s code is more important than local theater.
Rusty Hinges, Calapooia Brewing Company, 140 Hill St. NE, Albany. 7:30 p.m. Free
Rusty Hinges will show up at your house and play this obnoxious creaking sound every time your door opens and closes. It’s super annoying, and they’ve been playing a live engagement at my house for two years now. Oh wait, nevermind, these guys play roots music. Otherwise known as… Americana. These are not the same guys who have been playing my door. They both play for free, but I think I prefer my guys…