Meet the Author: Douglas Perry, Grass Roots Books and Music, 227 SW 2nd St. 7 p.m. Free
This guy’s book is called Eliot Ness: The Rise and Fall of an American Hero. Eliot Ness is one of the coolest legends of American justice there is. He is credited with bringing down Al Capone, and less often, the Torso Killer of Cleveland. I haven’t read this book, but I’m still going to this event to hear awesome stuff about my hero. Won’t you join me?
Betsey Miller, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. Free
Betsey Miller sings and plays lovely music for people inclined to enjoy such things. I prefer something tinged with a little more Norwegian black metal, so I’m going to stay at home and listen to Burzum while pouring wine stolen from a church on myself and sacrificing a goat. Or I’m going to watch Vikings on the History Channel. Either way, like, I’m not going to make it to this show, but again I stress, it will be lovely.
Planet Booty and Brutal Bridges Band, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. $5
Bless you, whoever it is booking these combos. Planet Booty is like Chromeo minus the self-awareness, and Brutal Bridges plays what you might charitably describe as… Americana. I American’t bring myself to go to this show, and I can’t even visualize the type of person who is looking to dance to electronic funk and then mellow out to some Mandolin-driven harmonies. But if you’re out there, presumably wearing a pair of vintage JNCOS and some smelly dreadlocks, I have but one question for you: know where I can score some weed? No? OK, fine… pills?
Open Mic Night, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7:30 p.m. Free
It takes a certain type of confident and talented performer to stand up in front of a bunch of strangers and play their original compositions for free. It takes a certain type of steely determination and a hunger to succeed. It also requires a hunger for a sandwich because, best case scenario, that’s what these performers will get out of this showcase. I’ll be showing up with a bag of rotten fruit and some cruel taunts on notecards to make this worth your time. Of course the fruit and insults are for other people in the audience, not the performers, so you may want to skip this event…
Majestic Reader’s Theater: Tragedy Full of Joy: Stories by Bernard Malamud, Majestic Theatre, 115 SW 2nd St. 7 p.m. $10 ($8 for members, seniors, students)
Ever heard of Bernard Malamud? If the answer is no, please take this opportunity to pretend you have and Google him real quick. ‘Cause for real, millennials, you’re making it hard for us to walk around town without constantly facepalming ourselves into submission. Super-talented writers, including OSU’s Elena Passarello (a former Advocate-featured local genius), have adapted some of late great OSU professor and Pulitzer Prize-winner Malamud’s short stories for performance by the Reader’s Theater. There’s no such thing as apolitical theater. I’ll be there.
The Student Loan and Wild Rabbit, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 9 p.m. $5
Jamgrass. I’ll leave it at that, I think, and pass on this show. If you’re less cynical and dismissive than me, though, this may be just the show for you. The Student Loan’s new record is produced by a member of Phil Lesh and Friends, so they’re hot on the jam band scene. Wild Rabbit is a fabulous band, but again, too many open hearts and bright eyes here for a cranky miscreant like myself to enjoy this. I’ll be at home, drawing gothy imagery in my journal and praying for rain.
Corvallis Youth Symphony Spring Concert, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 3 p.m. $12 ($2 for students)
These kids can play. Take it from me, local weirdo who frequents amateur orchestral performances. CYS is as good as it gets in Willamette Valley youth orchestra music, and their spring concert is as good an opportunity as any to see them work the ol’ catgut. I suggest you all take advantage of the sizable discount students get on ticket price here by trying out “I’m a student of life,” if you’re not actually a student. Not only will they not find it obnoxious, but they may even honor it. That’s what I’ll be doing to get in the door here. Also, can I borrow $2?
Blues Jam!, Calapooia Brewing Company, 140 NE Hill St., Albany. 4 to 6 p.m. Free
Riddle me this, smartypants: if a bunch of really sad dudes who play fast-paced acoustic metal show up to this and monopolize the stage, would it still be a blues jam? What if they all hold their breath until they turn blue? OK, what about if they’re all bruised up, so much so that they might be described as black and blue? See where I’m going here? Because me and my cousins are going to show up. Be prepared for old school metal. Which is actually still just the blues. Jam on.
Bryson Skaar, Imagine Coffee, 5460 SW Philomath Blvd. 7:30 p.m. Free
Skaarcely a day goes by that I don’t think about how much I enjoy this Monday night jazz piano exSkaarvaganza. If I ever muster the courage to just walk up to Bryson after his set and introduce myself, there’s no telling where our collaborations could take us. All I really need is that last violent push across the threshold of nervousness into the brave new world of accosting a random local musician. Plus I’ve only got like three more sessions with the plastic surgeon to completely laser off the tattoo I got on my right buttock of the last Imagine Coffee in-house jazz pianist. Like I need to go through the embarrassment of explaining that to Bryson. Thank God he never reads this paper…
Pac 12 Golf Championship, 1260 Palouse Ridge Dr., Pullman, WA. 11 a.m.
Nothing to do on Monday? No job? No patience to wait for Bryson Skaar’s gig to fire up? Have I got news for you: the OSU Men’s Golf team will be competing in the Pac 12 Tournament, and you can watch it, if you both have the Pac 12 Sports channel and know which channel it actually is. Also you’re probably going to want the motivation and lack of a soul necessary to watch college golf on TV. Though your overt soullessness may explain why you’ve had trouble finding steady work…
Community Movie Night with Ygal Kaufman, Darkside Cinema, 215 SW 4th St. 7 p.m. Free
Fritz Lang and Edward G. Robinson both make their second CMNYK appearances with this collaboration that also features Joan Bennett and Dan Duryea. It’s Scarlet Street (1945), a simmering and tragic romantic melodrama with film noir elements. Robinson was one of the screen’s greatest stars and this is one of his best films. Of course I also like Zone Troopers (1985), which features Allies vs. Nazis vs. Aliens. So I’m not what you’d call a stickler for the classics.
Gilfillan Lecture: Ed Waymire, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 6 p.m. Free
Who is Gilfillan? I have no idea. Who is Ed Waymire? Go fish. Here’s what I do know: Tuesday nights in Corvallis are about Community Movie Night. This is literally your only other option. To go see a lecture from a distinguished professor of mathematics from OSU. To sit there like a bump on a log and soak in fascinating, cutting-edge ideas from one of the smarter dudes in the county. I’m trying to make this sound lame, but honestly this will probably be fascinating and amazing and a perfect way to spend a Tuesday evening. But I get a kickback from CMNYK for pumping it, so I guess I’m reaching for a way to be sarcastic about this event.
Visiting Artist Lecture: Hasan Elahi, LaSells Stewart Center, 875 SW 26th St. 6 p.m. Free
Elahi is one of the most exciting artists in the country, and he’s also a professor, so I venture to guess he knows how to prepare a lecture. I’m going to show up to this event and then during the Q&A portion, I’m going to ask, “What is art?” Then I’m going to cackle like a hyena while this guy bumbles and struggles to articulate an intelligent-sounding reply. Alternatively everyone in the auditorium will turn and simultaneously give me that “Please die,” look that I’m so familiar with. Either way, it should be a good night for French bread pizza.
Nate Wagner, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 7:30 p.m. Free
Nate Wagner plays music. In Corvallis. What does that mean to you? Not necessarily very much, but what if I raised the stakes? I’ve buried 25,000 nickels in a cloth sack exactly 150 paces away from where Nate will be performing. But in which direction? You’ll have to show up for this gig and give it a shot if you want the loot. You’re welcome for the ultimate in music promotion, Mr. Wagner. Just don’t forget me when you’re famous.
5 to 1 Theatre Ensemble wrote this timely piece of commie sympathizing and will perform it for your viewing pleasure. The website lists someone named Joseph Workmen as the “spiritual leader.” That may just be a typo of OSU Theatre member Joseph Workman’s name, or it might be a subtly thematic reference to Joseph Stalin and the worker’s party. Either way, I’ll be at home chain smoking cigarettes and muttering epithets about collectivism and how “the pinkos” are ruining this country. Let me know how the show goes, won’t you?
Melanie Reid and Friends, Bombs Away Café, 2527 NW Monroe Ave. 8:30 p.m. $1 to $5
The Bomb’s website refers to Melanie Reid as a “legendary songstress.” I’m going to go ahead and meet them more than halfway on that little embellishment. Let’s just say Melanie Reid knows how to put on a good show, and for anywhere from $1 to $5, that’s probably a pretty good deal. There’s also rumors her “friends” will join her on stage. One can only hope they’re equally or, if possible, more legendary than she is…