As the State Turns: Quake Megayawn Edition

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stateturnssymbolHow Is Portland Hangin’?

Portland General Electric is in a bit of a huff after hundreds of dildos, vibrators, and other sex toys were found hanging from power lines recently in the Mississippi district. Adding new meaning to the word dongle, the rubber wangs and other such paraphernalia were tied and tossed over lines in a similar fashion to what kids do with their old sneakers. According to officials, a danger they seem unable to pinpoint is in place whenever a foreign object (code for rubber johnson) is in contact with a power line. Personally, I figure if an object can go up your hoohaa without hurting it, I doubt it’ll damage industrial metal and rubber.

Steve Corson, a spokesman for Portland General Electric, has been quoted saying that there is nothing funny or cute about this, because it costs money to get them down. Well, Steve… you don’t hear paramedics or doctors complaining when they’ve had to dislodge a few of these from your wife.

As of right now, nobody has any clue who did this, or why. If I was a betting man, I’d say it is because they have a sense of humor. One that offends nannies taking kids on a walk.

Good to know America is still weird about sex and anatomy.

One Super, Ultra, Tiny Step

The governor, what’s her name… Kate Green, Brown…. something… anyway, she just signed a bill that limits community college tuition to $50 a term, bringing it down from the previous $1,500. This totally screws you, because you’re in your first year of university now, but awesome nonetheless, right?

Well, yes. But it is currently only going to affect somewhere between 4,000 and 6,000 students across the state due to funding being capped at $10 million. As of two years ago, state estimates suggested that we had 140,000 students.


The program starts next February and the only eligible students are those that are less than six months out of high school. Because all of the smart, socially responsible learners fall into that category.

But hey, I ain’t trippin’. As they say, one small step… and maybe after another 100,000 small steps like this we’ll start to resemble Europe, where most countries help people get free or nearly free educations instead of wasting money on war.

OPB Does It Again

Yet another “megaquake” article has been released and given the featured position. And yes, it says the exact same stuff it said in the last few iterations. I might start taking bets on how long this is going to go on before they feature something we: A. haven’t seen a million times; or B. care about in the slightest.

In all fairness, this time they were writing in response to The New Yorker’s fancy piece on the Northwest-destroying megaquake. Er, and to support their new megaquake “series” (my God…), which will be titled Unprepared.

It’s OK to giggle.

Breaking News: Kayactivists Is a Word

The Royal Dutch Shell oil company is bringing its MSV Fennica tanker behemoth into Portland for repairs. Apparently it got an owie of sorts when some moron ran it into rocks in shallow waters near Alaska. Fool!

About to dot all i’s and cross all t’s, activists are seizing the opportunity to demonstrate their solidarity at the large hunk of floating metal. In what I can only imagine is an attempt to make friends with the boat, a large portion of them will be hopping in kayaks, rowing out to the boat, and… probably yelling stuff. At the boat.

Don’t worry, though, some people will be yelling stuff on land, too.

Unfortunately, state Senator Jeff Merkley ruined my plans for heading up there with a lawn chair and a few Weihenstephaner wheat ales (delicious and found at your local Market of Choice). He addressed about a hundred protesters the other day and spouted off all kinds of nasty, sensible, logical stuff.

Now I might have to drive up there and suggest to these fancy-pants kayacktivists that they might want to paddle their way to their federal and state representatives, because Shell don’t give a sh*t.

By Johnny Beaver

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