Not exactly the kind of dancing we're talking about...

Not exactly the kind of dancing we’re talking about…

Where is DA CLUB?
By Candy Smith

In a town where there are tens of thousands of 20-somethings looking for a good time, it seems absurd that we cannot sustain more than one dance club at a time. While some clubs have tried to succeed, the only one that has sustained itself for more than a few years at a time is Impulse Nightclub. While Impulse is very well positioned on the campus map, its ambience is one of horny men looking to grind, and walking up those stairs in heels is downright dangerous. While some bars in town have dance nights (Cloud and Kelly’s, Jack Okole’s, and the Peacock all have their nights), Corvallis needs a place for the whoo-hoo girls to go dance to Beyoncé any night of the week. It is a tremendous culture fail that Corvallis doesn’t have another dance club for the youths to shake it.

The Benefits of Being First Lady
by Addie Maguire

In December 2013, Cylvia Hayes, partner of Governor Kitzhaber, tried to use an Oregon State Police parking pass to park her Prius in downtown Portland illegally. In Oregon, it is a Class C felony to use law enforcement identification fraudulently. Granted, Hayes probably uses the pass for other reasons, like getting into crime scenes or making citizen arrests on people driving fossil fuel cars, of course. But, to use it to park in downtown Portland on personal business? Howabout, no.

Vlad the Impregnator
by Johnny Beaver

Of all the stupid things Vladimir Putin has said and done, from riding the mythical unicorn to throwing protestors in prison for speaking their minds and wrestling wild grizzly bears shirtless, equating pedophiles to homosexuals is, sadly, only the newest of the bunch. In an attempt to go all bodyguard on his country’s anti-gay laws, he blurted this turd of a statement out to the international community who, at this point, is barely even lifting an eyebrow. Russians need to “cleanse” themselves of homosexuals in order to get the “birth rate” up? There are plenty of homosexual men and women here in America and we’re breeding like rabbits, so maybe the problem is that they just don’t have enough reality television or greasy food. Wait, can you get pregnant from eating a Big Mac?

We can only hope that he’ll dash out onto the slopes in a patriotic fit, shirt left far behind, and crack his head open in front of millions of people in the name of equality.

No Pro Sports?
By Ygal Kaufman

Are you excited about the Seahawks? We live in Oregon. You should have your own in-state NFL team to root for.

We don’t have the type of population that can support a pro sports team. Most here are (insanely) happy to follow college sports. But for transplants like me, and many here, it’s hard to have to call a team in a city 5 hours away your “home team.” Even for those born and raised around here, you’ll often hear people say they root for the Forty Niners. Seattle doesn’t quite have the market cornered. And as you move south, the jerseys turn red and gold pretty fast. Portland will sooner have a pro Quidditch team than a football team (spare me the, “They already have a futbol team!” routine, commie).

The only solution is a regional squad (like the Golden State Warriors or the New England Patriots.), representing the Pacific Northwest corridor (stopping at Washington). The Beaver State Loggers perhaps? The Northwest Corridor Lumberjacks? The Oregon Valley Redskins? What? The name will probably be available soon… It’s a sign of respect!