Hard Truths

By Sidney Reilly

HardTruthsARTCraigslist is not a warranty
When trying to buy a new car or bike, or guitar or set of cooking knives on Craigslist, one invariable thing always stands out: people don’t understand depreciation. Look, “old” stuff can become more valuable depending on demand. Your 1994 Honda Accord is not one of those things. You’re not going to get dealer rates because you can’t provide any purchase security. If Bluebook value on the car is $1,500 (and you haven’t customized the living daylights out of it), don’t ask for $4,500 and wonder why the thing is gathering dust in your garage.

Best sandwich in town
The weak sandwich problem in Corvallis is officially out of control. The best sandwich in town, by a country mile, is Les Caves’ Lamb BLT, featuring their mind-warping, house-made lamb’s belly bacon. It pains me to say it, not only because they don’t advertise with us, but because the best sandwich in any given town should not reside at a chichi wine bar, it should be at a deli. Ever heard of one of those?

Wait, is that a typo?
Don’t get me wrong—da Vinci Days’ relatively un-ballyhooed semi-festival is an impressive show of community elbow grease. I’m glad in their “year off” they still managed to make a showing. Most of all, that means the giant homemade bike/car-race thing, better known as the Graand Kinetic Challenge, will still be in effect, which is awesome. I’m just unclear on why they set themselves apart by spelling “Grand” with two As (Graand). It makes it seem less like a cool race than a dance marathon at Alcoholics Anonymous.

Futbol touchiness
As we finally approach the end of the World Cup, I must once again applaud us all for our immaturity. Soccer is like President Obama; people just can’t seem to talk about it with a level head. I wrote a brief treatise on the problem with soccer’s two biggest demons (no, not Neymar and Messi) racism and flopping, in last week’s issue. The response has been evenly divided between people who “agree” that soccer sucks and is un-American (I never said such an absurd thing, I quite like soccer) and people who think I’m crazy for hating on the sport and it’s because Americans are idiots that we don’t like it (again, I never suggested either of those things). I’ll be a little bit grateful when this thing is over, and we can again return to less divisive issues… like abortion.

You’d think he was the Craig Robinson from The Office or something…
Speaking of things I said that really pissed people off, a few weeks ago I playfully pointed out that Craig Robinson, the recently fired OSU basketball coach, was overpaid, and demonstrably unsuccessful at earning such a salary. I employed rhetorical tools such as facts, humor, a visual aid, and the fourth horseman of Page 15 apocalypse: sarcasm. The responses have included a scolding by the GT, some cranky reader comments, and a hysterical meltdown that included destroying copies of the Advocate, and shrieks of racism. Setting aside for a moment the question of why on Earth people would be so passionate in their defense of Robinson—I didn’t say anything explosive. I just thought the guy was overpaid. I hope everyone can take good-natured ribbing of his replacement in stride. I probably won’t be able to think of anything to make fun of anyway—I’m sorry, what’s that? His last name is Tinkle?