Hard Truths

By Sidney Reilly

Hard TruthsStudents, Like Batman, Have Returned

I, for one, am glad the kids are back. Without these thousands of ill-mannered goons back in town to patronize local businesses, Corvallis would resemble one of those shantytowns Tom Mix defended in black & white and fast motion a hundred years ago. Plus, there’s a genuine vibe of excitement in the air. Can you feel it? I can’t tell if it’s the musk of pre-crime that permeates the atmosphere right before a riot breaks out or if it’s actual positive energy from a year of coming innovation and cooperation between students and townies. Either way, I’m jazzed for another nine months of interesting misdemeanor crimes, technological advances, economic growth, and 19-year-olds in the Safeway glaring at me like I’m a fossil. In my day, it was considered acceptable-to-not-objectionable to wear non-Kanye sunglasses.

Study: One in Ten Enjoy Their Work

According to a no doubt air-tight study seeking to find out how many marijuana users show up to work high, one in ten respondents confirmed they do. This clearly is going to have implications on the soon to be voted on Measure 91 here in Oregon. If pot goes recreational, you can bet that number of people who admit to going to work stoned will skyrocket from 9.7 percent to upwards of 9.8 or even 9.9 percent.

Look, let’s all just admit that the thinner-than-peanut brittle façade of sobriety that stoners already operate under is completely unconnected to the actual legality of weed. Despite over 75 years of money furiously hurled down the drain on PSAs and other useless tax funded malarkey, marijuana is still easier to come by for minors than alcohol, and it’s still more socially acceptable to engage in among the over-21 set than approval of Obama. If the study found respondents reporting a 10 percent usage rate, the real number is probably closer to 20.  And that just means an additional 15 percent just stare at the clock waiting for 5 p.m. so they can unwind. All of which is to say, when you’re voting on Measure 91, remember that- oh crap I just spilled my bong all over on my desk!

Corvallis Stoner Crime

Speaking of weed legalization being a foregone conclusion, a pair of Corvallis gents with the most occupation-appropriate last names ever, Rodney Ray Stoner and his son Adam Lee Stoner, were arrested last month for an illegal growing operation.  Here are the key points of this story:

  • These stoners names are actually Stoner.  Let that wash over you for a moment.
  • For growing some weed, which may soon be legal in Oregon, these guys are facing up to 10 years in prison and a $50,000 fine.
  • There’s more than one Corvallis in the country, apparently, and these lucky fellows got busted in Corvallis, Montana and thus will avoid the up to $375,000 in fines they would potentially face for the same crime here.

Which highlights one of the stickiest post-Measure 91 questions we’re soon to be facing: what the hell are we going to say to the people who get busted for marijuana related crime the week before it goes legal?  I imagine it will be an awkward sort of “Tough break, bro!” accompanied by friendly punch to the arm and an uncomfortable laugh administered by Kitzhaber himself. 

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