Hard Truths

By Sidney Reilly

Hard Truths ART2 Chainz
Look, I get it Corvallis; everybody hates national chain stores. Their buying power which leads to lower prices and increased selection, not to mention jobs, is super obnoxious. It’s also clear we tend to hate on them for what can be sometimes superior services. And so it’s with no small amount of sarcasm that I join you, oh hippies and counter-culture mavens, in getting all cheesed off over Five Guys Burgers and the Old Spaghetti Factory’s impending moves to Corvallis.

I mean, OSF may have started a stone’s throw away in Portland, and it may have been a family business, but where do those jerks get off? Being so good at their job that people all over the country demanded their services…

That’s certainly not anything we have room for in Corvallis. Maybe another art gallery though…

Shave and a Haircut
Okay, here’s my two bits: there are four types of places to get a haircut, and none of them are for me. The “old timey barber,” which imagines this is Mayberry and I want to spend my day hanging out with a 70-year-old man chatting it up. The “traditional salon,” which I have no problem with, except they’re really meant for more complex hairdos, and are a waste of money if you just need a trim and no stylist. There’s the newly popular “gentleman’s club” which is coincidentally (I’m sure) only staffed by women in their 20s, and of course that has its charms. But what kind of douchebag is really spending half his day flirting with his barber and then sticking around for a cold drink and a round of billiards? The answer is in the question. Which only leaves Greatclips or Bestcuts, or Fancysnips, or whatever the cheap place is called. And for $12 it’s really not a bad deal at all. It’s just the stylists in those places tend to have… how do I put this gently… terrible haircuts themselves. And getting a haircut from someone with a terrible haircut is like reading the opinions of a snarky know-it-all curmudgeon; which is to say, only somewhat rewarding.

Finally a Kickstarter Befitting a Reilly…
An almost-local (Seattle, but we’re gonna count it) and very enterprising recent art school grad by the name of Alex Wong has launched a Kickstarter crowdfunding campaign to raise $100. What awesome art project could only need $100, you ask? Well, it’s hard to explain…

Wong wants the money to buy paper and supplies to make the world’s biggest drawing of a penis.

I guess that wasn’t so hard to explain after all.

The campaign still has just under three weeks to go, and has already smashed its initial goal, with upwards of $430 at the time of this writing. Wong specifies in the description that he’s an art school grad without a job. The bad news is we’re still not at a place, as a society, where anyone is being paid for this type of brilliant work.

The good news is without a job, I can only imagine this Wong kid is going to continue to come up with brilliant ideas like this, so I don’t think it’s too soon to float this next idea: Wong/Reilly 2016.

You know you’d vote for us.

Sports Emotions
I hate baseball. It’s about as exciting as watching pickles ferment. Just when I thought I’d never give a crap about it again, Netflix sends me back to the minors with The Battered Bastards of Baseball. It’s a thoroughly enjoyable and genuinely heartfelt tearjerker of a documentary about Portland’s short-lived minor league baseball team, the Mavericks, which played from 1973-‘77. It’s successful on every level: well-made, informative as hell, funny, touching, and beautifully put together across the board.

You win again, professional sports.

If this isn’t enough to make you understand the awesome power of organized team action, I don’t know if anything is. I only wish I could come up with something sarcastic and petty to say about this, but even my general disinterest in the most boring sport on Earth was won over by this delightful film.