Hard Truths

By Sidney Reilly

merkelPhilomath Phrolic
Wait, are you serious? They never thought of using that in the title? And I thought Wondolowski was the only one to choke on an open net…
 At any rate, the Philomath Frolic happened this past weekend, without adverse incident. According to all involved, it was a successful display of rodeos, cowboys, Philomath, and elephant ears. Well… the first three at least. The elephant ears are a disgrace, though. I’ve got news for you Frolic vendors: a deep-fried tortilla with powdered sugar on it is not the same as an elephant ear. You might as well have the cowboys riding deer.

Germany Makes Lateral Move
Germany started the weekend by expelling the top U.S. intelligence official in the country, over the ever expanding spying scandalia, and then finished the weekend by beating Argentina in a thriller to win their fourth World Cup title. Unfortunately, though it seems like a big weekend for them, it’s really a net of nothing—the rebuke of the U.S. will get them spied on less by us, but their code-cracking on how to stop Lionel Messi will get them spied on by every other country in the world.

Learning Something New
Received in response to my query last week about the spelling of Graand Kinetic Challenge:

Regarding your “Hard Truths” item titled “Wait, is that a typo?” — I thought I’d fill in the gap for you…

My name is Raan Young and in 1993 I created the da Vinci Days kinetic sculpture race. My title is “Graand Wizard.” The “aa” in Graand is a play off my name. In recognition of my continuing efforts to help organize the event in the years since, da Vinci Days officially named the event “Graand Kinetic Challenge” in 2008.

By the way, the GKC is a race of human-powered vehicles—no cars involved. Nor is there any connection with the AA organization.

I invite you to come to the event this year (July 19 & 20 at the fairgrounds) and check it out.


The Decision Deuce
LeBron James is going back to Cleveland, and obviously Clevelanders are, to say the least, stoked. Of course many of them will have to take down their carefully constructed anti-LeBron shrines in the backyard where they no doubt have performed black magic and human sacrifices over the last four years, to give unholy strength to Tim Duncan to stop LeBron in the finals. I’m thinking of starting a new business there: supernatural exterminators who specialize in the cleaning of hexes. I haven’t thought up a name yet… I don’t know… maybe Hexbusters? Which is to say; yes, LeBron’s presence does help Cleveland’s economy.

Of course if he fails to win the title in the next couple seasons, my little business could go under quick; drowned by the Cleveland history of curses. I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts…

Digital Gold Rush
I’m a Forty-Niner. Or rather, a Two Thousand and Forty-Niner, thanks to the calamitous craze for crypto currency. Try and say that four times fast… 
Thanks to an eye-opening recent report in these very pages about locals hunting for Bitcoins, I’ve now invested in mining gear and am setting out to seek my fortune. I’m digitally digging for Litecoins, which are a different currency that is up and coming and somewhat easier to acquire than Bitcoins. I’m telling you this to get you all talking about Litecoins, thus increasing demand and thus increasing their value. I’m not just a gold rusher, I’m a speculator and manipulator as well. The future rules. USA! USA! USA!