Culture Fail

by Johnny Beaver

CFAllergiesDo you know what I hate about the Earth? I mean, aside from probiotics, spiders, cats, flying squirrels, mangos, and other people? You guessed it, the air and all of the terror it brings. Right now I’m on my fourth day of scraping my trachea out with powerful gusts of coughing. At least five or six times an hour, I have to visit the bathroom and blow about a shot glass worth of Nickelodeon Gak(TM) out of my nose. And let me tell you, when you have a bitchin’ mustache, some of it ends up stuck to it… and you just might wander out the door like that because your eyes are so swollen you can’t see. In a town this size, you don’t want that to happen. I’d go from people saying, “Hey, there’s that Johnny Beaver guy that brought infinite salvation to the masses!” to “Hey, there’s that Johnny Beaver guy, who gorked in his ‘stache and then went to Market of Choice for orange juice.”

I’m fully aware that allergies are just an immune reaction to a foreign substance that isn’t necessarily harming you. Well, science, you’re not the boss of me. As I see it, allergens are the diabolical troll ninjas of the natural world, and if you don’t believe they’re purposefully out to get people, then you suck at attaching anthropomorphic qualities to largely inanimate objects for selfish and nonsensical reasons. And you should really consider developing some skills in that area, because it’s awesomely convenient when you want to throw a tantrum and don’t have any justification. But I digress.

You see, this plague and I go way back. I’ve been attacked by these Sean Hannitys of the microscopic world twice a year, just like clockwork, since about 2005. A few times I even wound up in the hospital with a double ear infection—and yes, it was as awesome as it sounds. I can remember doctors talking to each other in less than hushed voices: “Will you get a load of this golf ball-sized infection in here?! I’ve never seen anything like it, come take a look!” One of these times I could only hear out of one ear for four months, which sucked because I liked hearing the TV out of it. The ear that still worked was the one I lay down on when couch lounging during Ed, Edd n’ Eddy marathons. What was I supposed to do, sit upright? LOL.

As long as my cat doesn’t decide to sleep on my face anytime soon, I should be free and clear in about six weeks as long as I cover myself in plastic wrap and suspend myself in a sensory deprivation tank. Let this be a lesson to you: the world is a cruel and beautiful place. When Earth Day 2015 rolls around, plant a tree and help clean up a local stream… but also curb stomp yourself some pine cones and pee on a flower.