As the State Turns

By Johnny Beaver

stateturnssymbolJailhouse Twerk
Last week, three women were arrested in Beaverton after twerking outside of the City Hall. I’d say alleged twerking, but it was caught on multiple video sources, so we’re kinda beyond that. One of them also peed in the parking lot and genitals were flashed at the building and those passing by. The three had arrived at City Hall initially so that one Coura Valazquez, the apparent twerk leader, could pay a fine. After the antics they took off in one of their vehicles and were subsequently stopped by Beaverton police, who discovered cocaine, marijuana, and some “prescription pills” in the car. Slapped with disorderly conduct, drug possession, record tampering, and offensive littering (I’m guessing this means peeing), it looks like the dance party will have to wait a little while to resume.

On the upshot, it’s not often that classy young debutantes such as these stick it to the man in style and give Florida a run for its money. I think it’s safe to say these three make us all proud to be Oregonians.

Swing and a Miss
In a legal opinion recently obtained by The Oregonian, it looks like the Cover Oregon board of directors don’t have the authority to drop its epic failure of a website in order to apply the federal site. In a shrewd ninja move, a current board member has said that they’re not trying to get rid of the website (whut?), oh no… they just want to snag the technology behind the federal site and implement that as the backend.

Smooth move, ex-lax. However, the same opinion also suggested that if Cover Oregon’s website didn’t satisfy the requirements set by the Affordable Care Act, then they could actually be forced to use the federal Healthcare.gov. Are you as sick of reading these Cover Oregon updates as I am of writing them?

Measles: Like Weasels, Only Not Really
Further solidifying Oregon’s awesomeness, it turns out that we’re one of just over a dozen states reporting a measles outbreak. The Centers for Disease Control reports 129 cases nationwide so far this year—over the last decade or so, it was normal to see less than 100 cases per year. So far Oregon has had just five cases reported, including four members of a Marion County family that had not been vaccinated.

About 94% of Oregonian kindergarteners have been vaccinated; those in the remaining 6% are the ones most likely to get hit first. Not helping the problem, Oregon schools beat out all others for highest rate of non-medical vaccine exemptions.

Measles, producing runny nose, cough, fever, and full-body rash, also gives one in every 20 infected children the bonus of pneumonia. The death rate is about one to two for every 1,000, and in 2012 the World Health Organization quoted total deaths at around 122,000—most of which were young children. Currently the outbreak in the states is being blamed on U.S. tourists bringing it back from the Philippines… so if you know anyone that has gone, that’s who to direct your pitchforks at.

Votes, Schmotes!
If you didn’t register to vote by Tuesday, well then…. you’re totally boned. That was the deadline for being able to cast a ballot in the state primary. You know, that thing where right wing candidates fight each other for the right to lose to incumbent democrats (no offense, but this is Oregon)? Currently only about two-thirds of all eligible voters in the state have registered. Hey, don’t feel bad. At least it’ll be harder to get singled out by the “VOTE OR DIE!!!!” people when in a crowd of one million.

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