Call me non-traditional, but I haven’t had a real tree in years. Well, I take that back. I spent a few years in Germany during the mid 2000s and they largely use real trees over there. Ours caught on fire because they only use real candles, too. So as I was saying, no real trees in years. This year, however, my wife is demanding one…. and so that’s that. I bought her some seeds for a fir two years ago but unfortunately it’s still only about five inches tall and the base soil is infested with some kind of worms. What she and many of you do not realize is that real Christmas trees present opportunities for creatures to invade your home in the worst kinds of ways.
Now while you’re more likely to curse under or over your breath while trying to prop up a crooked tree than encounter many of these problems. Why? Because Christmas trees see a hell of a lot of pesticide. In fact, less than 1 percent of all farmed trees and done so organically. Still, life adapts.
Now, studies by hack institutions like “Penn State University” say you have nothing to worry about, but then they also go on to describe something like this: “sucking insect that secretes cottony wax filaments over its body. These adelgids are sedentary and do not leave the tree, but the spontaneous “flocking” may be a cause for curiosity.” Flocking. Right. Nothing to fear. And that’s when they delve into mites, the praying mantis, freakin’ bark beetles, psocids, scale insects, SPIDERS… enough said. These things will crawl out of your tree, into your ears, and lay eggs.
Anyone who has ever seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation knows exactly what the holy hell I’m talking about. And don’t even think about eating them, Eddie read that they’re high in cholesterol.
Slugs and Hornets
Recently we published an article about infestations of slugs and hornets in Hawaii thanks to imported Oregonian Christmas trees. It’s a good thing we don’t import trees from ourselves now, isn’t it! Because that would suck.
There are several instances of bats swooping out of Christmas trees to terrorize the living bejeebers out of people. I’m not particularly offended by bats, but I’ve seen it myself. According to The Great Outdoors, a tennis racket might be handy to keep around.
Don’t believe me? Just ask Mr. Todd Ray of the Venice Beach Freakshow, who took one off the hands of a woman who found it after it launched itself from her tree.
by Johnny Beaver