Shalimar Gets Funky: Bedroom Wisdom for Freshmen and Faculty Alike

tipsMy most recent romantic interludes have been in malaria-driven fever dreams, so when I was asked to provide helpful insight to bedroom shenanigans and sexual play that extends far beyond awkward handsiness, I consulted my trusty stack of vintage Cosmopolitan. May the counsel below provide you with guidance and lead you to success. I’m heading back to bed (my fever hasn’t broken yet).

“Make him feel welcome. Greeting him with, ‘I hope you brought your own towel,’ ‘Where’s my present?’, or ‘Dear valued customer’ will make him feel he’d rather be elsewhere, like in Singapore.”

“A powerful man’s erotic magnetism stems not only from his position, but his personality—the qualities that helped him ‘arrive’ in the first place.”

“A professor who does make a pass has to be concerned about the long- and short-range results of his attempt at seduction. He never knows when a student he’s successfully or unsuccessfully courted will tattle to a responsive administration.”

“Gonorrhea is tricky.”

Civilian and Celebrity Turn-ons

“Sleeping with a man who can’t speak a word of English. You can say so much more with the body.” –Maria C.

“A hard body massage, starting at the feet and going all the way up, then down the arms to the hands. It’s even better than sex…maybe.” –Egon von Furstenberg, designer.

“A bubble bath with my man in Joy liquid dishwashing detergent. I love that lemon scent.” –Joyce R.

“Just about everybody is passionate when it comes to garlic.”

“If the world were orderly, if marital partners were well-chosen and there was adequate training for marriage, perhaps marriage would be the most fulfilling relationship, and affairs would not be. But in the real world it is quite often the other way around.”

“Make certain that your sex partner also practices good hygiene.”

“In my view, kinky is costly, time-consuming, and ultimately, very taxing. If the good Lord had intended copulation to depend on a slew of aphrodisiac alternatives, they’d have come built in, and we wouldn’t have to order them in plain brown wrappers.”

By Shalimar Jones

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