Let’s face it: crime can sometimes be a little bit hilarious. Especially when the punch line comes at the expense of the perpetrators. Here in Corvallis, we pride ourselves on having criminals of a higher caliber, with a little class, if you will. Unfortunately, not all of them live up to those lofty standards. Here are just a few examples from the local blotter to highlight the point.
Sept. 4 West Hills Assisted Living
Several packets of Tramadol 50mg were taken from the med room of three patients and cash has been taken from at least six people since June 2013. A suspect who initially denied charges was arrested and admitted to taking cash and medicine. Prognosis: Jail will most certainly harsh her Tramadol-induced mellow.
Angel Flying Too Close to the Ground?
Aug. 24 NW Taylor Corvallis
A resident reported finding a pair of wire-rimmed aviator sunglasses jammed into her second-floor window screen. She believed the glasses were used in an attempt to pry off the screen to the window, though nothing was stolen and no one had entered the apartment. Police sized glasses and entered them into evidence.
I’m Lovin’ It
Sept. 2 NW 9th Street McDonald’s
Apparently the Dollar Menu is not quite cheap enough for Corvallis crooks. A manager turned over a forged $1 bill that was accepted during the evening shift. “The bill does not feel correct, the color is a bit yellow and the edges were not lined up when printed,” the report stated. The Hamburglar was hauled in for questioning by Officer Big Mac. Mayor McCheese had no comment at press time.
Even More Cheap Stuff That Ain’t Cheap Enough
Sept. 9 3rd Street Safeway
A suspect stole a can of $2.10 Steel Reserve or Hurricane beer and fled the scene on bike. Police later apprehended him at Pioneer Park ready to enjoy a nice summer evening shandy on the river.
PBR Rules, Bro
Sept. 4 3rd Street Safeway
Police responded to a trespass and criminal mischief complaint to find a 24-pack of PBR stolen from Safeway. Officers arrested the suspect near the skate park with stolen beer. The microbrew-loving officer refused to pocket evidence and reported, “I later returned the beer to Safeway.”
By Sally McCoy