Shalimar Digs Deep: We’ve All Heard That They’re Back, But Are They Fun?

Deep in the summer of 2013, an event of Jurassic proportions occurred in the fine burg of Corvallis. We sent our bravest staff member to investigate.

'Where Are My Ritz Crackers?' by Shalimar Jones
‘Do You See My Ritz Crackers?’ by Shalimar Jones

A few notes from my recent visit to the reopened dino bones at Avery Park:

*I understand that bones aren’t very flat, but could they have just faked it in a few spots so my roll of Ritz crackers didn’t keep tumbling off while I was trying to eat?

*The mulch has gotta go. I saw it cushion some falls, but more importantly, it’s itchy when you’re trying to sleep. One shouldn’t have to bring a blanket every time, that’s just not fair to our local community of explorative nappers, of which I am a founding member.

*The kids. Could there be fewer? Or a 21+ zone, maybe corded off? A VIP section/beer garden, if you will. I need a safe place where I won’t get funny looks. It’s like they’d never seen a woman holding a 40 before.

*A plaque explaining the context of the art. I get it, I get it. (I actually minored in art. When I find my old transcripts I’ll tell you what kind.) Placing the climbable train engine on the knoll overlooking the dino bones is a clear showcase of the victory of humankind’s ingenuity over nature (represented by the dino bones). But clearly that means the people at the dino bones are seen as inferior and outdated compared to the people exploring the train (symbolizing the Industrial Revolution). The dino bones are where the underdogs hang, man, and that’s cool, but you think I’m going to chill there unarmed while those self-righteous mad scientists on the train plot to annihilate us all over again? They may be too young to redirect a three-meter-wide asteroid to hurtle through the Earth’s atmosphere and land on us, but I bet they’re not too young to pelt some pretty good-sized rocks our way. What I discovered: all you need are some blackberry brambles and sharpened sticks, and the main dino bone circle makes a damn good laager.

*Could we just keep the laager formation in perpetuity? It’s scratchy and draws bees, but will keep the underdog dino bone lovers safe forever.

*And finally: if you find a roll of Ritz crackers, would you let me know?

By Shalimar Jones