Culture Fail: We Want Donuts, Corvallis. And We Want Them NOW.

The dearth of donut shops in Corvallis is unacceptable. Yes, this is a health-conscious city. Yes, this the type of place where people are educated enough to value quality, organic, local, nutritive food, and I’m thankful to reside in such a forward-thinking community. However, would having one measly donut shop hurt? I doubt it.

One fictitious Corvallis resident demonstrates his donut solidarity.
One fictitious Corvallis resident demonstrates his donut solidarity.

Ever since the departure of Gramma Dama’s Donuts on 9th Street, Corvallis has lacked a true disposable pastry place. Sure, essentially all the coffee shops and bakeries sell delicious scones, coffee cake, muffins, and other morning treats, but as fantastic as those items are (and they are!), they pale in comparison to fresh donuts. Instead of having a locally owned donut shop, folks in search of such comestibles are relegated to shopping at the supermarkets. You know you’re failing on the breakfast front when Market of Choice is one of the best places to buy a glazed donut in this town. It’s not that they aren’t delicious, it’s the principle of it. Damnit.

So what, is it an image thing? Do people not want to risk being perceived as nescient about nutrition? Are people worried about being judged to be slobbish and gross if they choose to indulge in a maple bar or a boston creme? I hope not, because that reasoning would constitute a pathetic display of middle school self-consciousness, the type of pointless fretting about reputation and perception that should be beneath anyone over the age of 14. And of course, we are all quite grown out of that, aren’t we? Sarcasm is hard without emoticons.

It still strings that Voodoo chose Eugene over Corvallis for location number two, but listen… even Philomath has a donut shop. It’s called NutCakes, it’s located at 126 North 13th Street, and it is phenomenal. They have bear claws bigger than the actual claws of a bear. There’s no reason a place like that couldn’t thrive near the OSU campus, catering to in-a-rush students in need of a quick morning snack to go with their coffee. Would it be unhealthy? Undoubtedly, but the beauty of choice is that you can choose not to go if you’re concerned about calories. Or sprinkles.

When it comes to donuts, ask yourself, “What would Homer do?” That can be Homer Simpson, or, if you’re older, Homer Price. Take your pick. And when it comes time to obstruct traffic and March down 3rd street, I hope you’ll join me, citizen.

By Stuart White

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