It’s no secret that I’d rather watch a Star Trek: DS9 Marathon than a sports game that doesn’t involve impromptu fist fights, but alas, nobody is perfect. Taking the no-perfection thing to a whole new level, Oregon drive-through favorite Dutch Bros. Coffee just signed an exclusive deal with the Beavers and the Ducks – gasp! – to be their coffee parasite at all events, offering that brownish “proprietary drip” to patrons of our favorite local warring teams. There’s no doubt that the Culture Fail is a powerful entity, but never before have I felt the need to rewrite the stages of grief in order to properly explain how I feel about something. Nevertheless, let’s give this a go.
Denial. When I first got wind of this, I didn’t believe it. I was wrong. That’s all I’ve got.
Mourning. There are a lot of people that think they like Dutch Bros., and some that actually do. I’m painfully aware of this, as what seems like just yesterday, I was subjected to 12 hours of earth-pounding dance music, a wacky waving and flailing inflatable arm man, and a half-mile long line of people that didn’t seem to mind either one. It’s tendrils of doom could reach all the way across Ninth, through a theater and several rows of apartments before sneaking into my apartment, despite all windows and doors being firmly shut. And so this is for you, the local sports fan that’ll be forever sneaking thermoses full of your favorite brew into games. Just don’t get caught, or you’ll have to answer to the Dutch Mafia.
Unbridled Rage. “HOW THE HELL COULD THEY POSSIBLY GET IN BED WITH THE DUCKS!?” –Beavers fan. “HOW THE HELL COULD THEY POSSIBLY GET IN BED WITH THE BEAVERS!?” –Ducks fan. Am I right? This is identical to an arms dealer selling weapons to both sides in a war. Sure, it makes the Civil War easier to cater, but I’m pretty sure that Steven Seagal would have something to say here. And probably Sigmund Freud, and David Hasslehoff. Miss Cleo.
Reasoning. Well, in the end, at least it is an Oregon business. And one that, despite growing like a weed (our fifth location here in Corvallis is apparently on the way), is known for giving back to the community with some rather sizable annual donations. That’s not to mention the fact that you’d be hard pressed to find an online review site that wasn’t jam packed full of people talking about how much they love the “Dutch Bros. Culture.” And really, that’s pretty awesome. I’d love to have a job where I could say that *cough*. Regardless, the hippy culture was amazing as well. And somehow I still find myself without the desire to drink it.
By Johnny Beaver