Shalimar’s Horoscope For You

Aries (March 21-April 19)—The seasons shift, melting from the summery, bright, emptiness of domestic drafts to the autumnal sharpness of the IPA, then to the deep and rich wintery blackness of a stout, finally drifting back to the earthy lightness of spring-like Hefeweizen. Beer me, Ram.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)—Spring may prove hazardous, mighty Taurus. If there was ever a time to check both sides of the road for confused OSU students bearing down the bike lane in the wrong direction, this is it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)—Take a deep breath of fresh air, Gemini—there is majesty about. Majesty in the buck-toothed power of a beaver engineering a new dam; majesty in the burbling, diaphanous, cloacal emissions of a ruminating duck. It is time, at last, to find that majesty within yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)—Chittering between salt-splashed rocks, the Crab seeks respite from potentially painful interactions. Sharpen your claws, my crusty Crab, for this month will ask a lot of you. Draw your hoodie over your head, and invest, perhaps, in surround-sound headphones. Take advantage of late-night dining for socialization without the bustle; China D and Shari’s will welcome your pinchy embrace with warmth.

Leo (July 23-August 22)—Not yet summer, no longer winter; spring is a confusing time for the decisive Lion. Embrace the changeability of this bewildering season; greet it with a sartorial roar, manifested in a hint of sock just visible between the straps of your sandals.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)—As the sun brightens and the air warms, it is time for Virgo to retreat indoors. Dance not the dance of disc golf; hear not the call of the al fresco lunch. The Virgin must ward off the penetrative rays of the sun and remain pure, ideally cloistered in the encircling iron of the library stacks. Hone your mind, dear Virgin, not your loins.

Libra (September 23-October 22)—The sway and grace of dance runs in your veins. Explore your physical abilities this month; surpass the realm of exercise and enter the realm of art. Rejoice in your physicality outdoors; share the experience with others; worry not when you hear laughter, for you are bringing others joy.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)—The season’s new growth offers plenty of hiding places, creeping spots, and skulking zones. Camp out below the fringe of a Japanese maple and view the world from a different perspective. You will emerge somber with the knowledge of the damp soil, the scent of bark, and the mysterious workings of nature.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)—Your erotic capital is accepted everywhere this month, Sagittarius—take advantage. Spring is the time of rejuvenation, new growth, and proliferation, and you, Sag, are especially fruitful. This is both a blessing and a curse. Sexual escapades, rampant as they may be, must be met with precaution.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)—This month, financial strategy and conservation should be priorities. Be wary of false friends who offer unbelievable savings and shortcuts; expect an even higher payment later on. I offer a time-proven tip: any business that lets RVs park overnight in its front lot cannot be trusted.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)—You see what people are doing. You know you can do it better. Stand upon the shoulder of giants. Improve upon the best. Have you considered making your idea pedal-powered?

Pisces (February 19-March 20)—This spring bring challenges, both existential and physical. Seeds find no purchase, and as your fruits wither on the vine, you must choose to hold onto your principles and watch your plants die, or turn to the profane agricultural industrial complex and watch your garden, now tainted forever, flourish. Only you, dear Fish, can make this choice.

 

By Shalimar Jones

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